Journeywoman

Just going on

Okay, yeah, Nanoblopo was, for me, an epic fail.   

I've been having a rough time.  

3 friends just had their babies.  2 of them their second one.   And I'm happy for them--and I'm really not happy for them and I don't want to be around them or anywhere near them. 

We should have been parents by now. 

When we sent our dossier to China they told us that it would be, at the most, 8 months between Log -in and referral. 

It has now been 3 years--and there is no end in sight.  

People tell me that I should just be patient.  Of course the people who tell me this are mothers.  Okay,  you want patient?  You be pregnant for 3 years (because we all call it Paper Pregnant) and see how fucking patient you are.

"Well that's just different."

Yeah.  I know.  You didn't have to go around to your friends and ask them if they thought you would be a good parent and to write you a recommendation.  You just fucked.  

You haven't had to open your thighs for anyone with a doctor's white coat or scrubs to shove a dildo-cam up there.  You just fucked.

A friend, a good friend, just had her baby.  I'm happy for her and miserable for me.  And as horrible as it sounds, I'm still working out my anger at how she told me.  She called me up, on my birthday, and told me she was finally pregnant.  

I spent the rest of my birthday in hysterical sobs.  HOW could she do this to me?  Why did she have to ruin my birthday.  She apologized of course, and I forgave her.  How could I not--she's my friend and I love her.  We're still friends,  but something happened.  I don't trust her as much.  Actually, that's not even correct.  I still trust her, still love her, but I guess the best way to put it is that I lost faith in her and I miss the faith I used to have in her.  Very much. 

So here it is.  ANOTHER Christmas/Chanukah/New Year where I am not a mother.  And quite simply I am ANGRY.

I know I have blessings, but so do other people.  Why am I not allowed to have a child?  Why is it another year that I don't get to have a little finger curling around mine.  Why don't I get to lullaby a child to sleep--MY child to sleep?

And it hurts so goddamn much.  

I want this so badly and it hurts so much that the years go on and on and I don't have a child.  We started trying 9 years ago.  

And yet--I can't give up.  I gave up to the wait and now I'm not.  I don't know what happens next but I just walked in the fucking amusement park.  I'm going for IVF #2 and when we renew our adoption papers (since they expired) we're going to try domestic.  D called it a siege when I called it a war.  I'm not giving up--yet--though I have been close. 

 I just ache.  And I miss something I never had.  And I miss the faith I once had in my friends.  I miss the faith I once had--period.

I'll try to post more--sorry this was all over the place.  

Happy 40th

D and I just watched the first episode of the 40th anniversary season of Sesame Street. 

It's still there.  The show was brought to you by the letter H and the number 40.  

It had rap, and friendship, and muppets and D and I smiled a lot.  

There was plenty of stuff for the adults watching as well as the kids.  

There was still Magic. 

Thanks to the creators and the new dreamers of Sesame Street for a wonderful hour. 

Thursday Thirteen--Thirteen ways I've been saving money

So, we have this wonderful new house.YAY!

And we have this huge ass mortgage payment due each month.  Not so yay.  

I have been looking for ways to take bites out of our budget.  Here are thirteen that I have done so far. 

1) 65 is the new 70.  

We have oil heat. That is a large expense--especially since we have never paid for heat.  So what we are doing is pushing the thermostat down to 65 and only raising it when we are feeling sick.  If we're cold we say "Is it sweater fixable?" and often it is.  

2) We love Wegmans

If you live near a Wegmans, you are in luck.  Their Wegmans brand is cheaper than all the other store brands, and in a lot of cases it is better as well.  I ADORE Wegmans caff free cola.  And it's $.69 for a 2 liter bottle!

3) Cutting the cable

We used to have HBO and Showtime and Cinemax.  Now we have HBO and basic (I need me my Big Love!!!) 

4) Cutting Netflix. 

We've gone down to 2 a month.  

5) It will still be there in a month

This was hard.  I wanted things NOW.  The cute top, the book by my favorite author.  So what I did is I wrote down what I wanted and how much it cost.  After 30 days if I still REEEEEEEEEALLLY wanted it I would buy it--and it was almost always cheaper.  But more often than not, I didn't want it anymore. 

6) I love the library

I LOVE books.  I often feel if a book is worth reading it is worth owning and I love books!  But since a branch of the NYC public library opened up a block away from my office I am enjoying the heck out of the library.  I'm reading more and spending less.  

7) Eating dinner home.

We used to go out one day during the week and both weekend nights.  Now we eat home 6 days a week. 

8) Serving for 2

When we do go out to dinner, often the restaurants serve a lot more than we will eat.  D got over his objection to eating leftovers and asking for "doggy bags".  Often a restaurant meal will be 2.

9) Reading the circulars

Before I grocery shop I double check the circulars and make certain that there aren't any good specials.  This gets us our meat. 

10) Weekly deposit into the Ohshit fund

One of our friends told us to put money into an Ohshit fund.  "Ohshit" the washing machine broke! etc.  She also told me to make a weekly deposit into it.  And I have been. 

11) Showering with D.  

Saves water and is intimate. 

12) Freecycle.org 

If I find I need something I often put an offer on Freecycle.  So far I've been lucky.

13) Packing lunch

If I had to point out the one thing that has saved me more money it would be this.  By packing lunch instead of eating out every day I save nearly $30 per week.  I will allow myself one day to buy lunch and network, but it has been a good deal.

How do you save money?

For other Thursday Thirteens go here

Is it because I lost the cufflinks?

*Spoiler Alert*  

This post references the season finale of Mad Men.  Read no more if you haven't seen it and plan to. 

During Mad Men's season finale, the two main characters tell their children about their impending divorce.  Their son, about 7 years old or so, asks "is this because I lost the cufflinks".  This poignant line shows better than anything that children think that it is all because of something they did.  

Not only children. 

I can't begin to count the number of times that I have wondered what I did to deserve this horrific road I have been walking on to become a parent.  Every single avenue I walk on becomes a dead end.  I start the good old fashioned way--no luck.  I start treatment--no luck.  I get everything ready to adopt from China and I get my paperwork in--the LONGEST WAIT EVER.  I go back to treatment--no luck.  

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?

I wonder what I did wrong.  I depart from my faith, I return to my faith.  I have to say I don't know.  I don't know what I did and I don't know where I'm going next. 

But I wonder if I found Don Draper's cufflinks--would everything be okay?

Another short post

D just came home after being away all weekend, so this one will be short. 

I am happy that the House passed a health care bill.  I am less happy about the Stupak amendment. 

I am pro choice--VERY pro choice, and this amendment rolls backs women's rights to control their own bodies in a huge way.  

That being said...I think that the Senate has a less easy time filibustering this bill.  This will bring the insurance companies into line, and there will be a lot of later voting on this amendment--AFTER we have some kind of health reform with a public option.  

Get what you can now. Fix it later. 

Hmm

Okay, 

I'm making a semi-rule that it still counts as NANOBLOPO even if I miss 2 days--otherwise I won't do it. 

Thing is my life has been fairly boring. 

More to come later. 

My Thirteen favorite Sesame Street Moments

Today is Sesame Street's 40th Anniversary.  In honor of it, I am compiling a list of my thirteen favorite Sesame Street moments. 

I loved Sesame Street--PRE-Elmo.  I grew up with it.  I felt like I lost a friend when Jim Henson died.  

1) Big Bird's Alphabet

2) Abc--cookiemonster. --You have to watch to the end.  Rumor has it that the little girl is Jim Henson's Daughter. 

3) I don't want to live on the moon --Ernie at his most sweet.  After Jim Henson died, this song made me cry.

4) I'm going to miss you Mr. Hooper--I remember watching this right after my own grandma passed away.  Watching it as an adult it amazes me how they even show the stages of grief.  

5) Cookies in bed--Ernie and Bert at their best. 

6) The pinball thing!  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12

7) Near and Far--I loved Grover

8) Snuffy revealed.

9) One of these things is not like the others  (This one might actually be the first one)

10) Rubber Ducky

11) The opening credits (you can see the World Trade Center in the background)

12) C is for Cookie--Of Course!

13) Bein' Green.  'nuff said.

Note to the pundits

For those who say that because Governor Corzine lost in NJ they think it was some kind of referendum on President Obama--means they don't know NJ.

Governor Corzine didn't do much for NJ.  Really, nothing at all.  The most NJ got accomplished was when after his accident while Acting Governor Codey was in charge. 

Doesn't mean that I won't be working my ass off to get President Obama reelected. It just means that I don't care for Governor Corzine.  

Vote

Tuesday November 3 is election day. 

It isn't a big election, but it is an important one.  

"What?" you ask.  "It's not the senate, or congress?  It's the little local elections.

Yeah, the little local elections. 

These are the people who decide how much money is budgeted for salt removal.  These are the people who will put a traffic light at that intersection where you had an accident last year.  They decide whether the town picks up your trash or you have to hold on to it and deliver it to a dumpster or a private contractor. 

They don't do the sexy work, but they do the real work. 

So make certain you get out and vote for the people you want to be sure will hear your voice.  

Nanoblopo-and Candy

So, Halloween sucked. 

Thinking we were going to the parade we bought WAY too much candy.  (We like to give out candy)

I was thinking that I was going to send most of it to my nieces at college.  And then I found this.

Operation Gratitude/California Army National Guard
17330 Victory Boulevard
Van Nuys, California 91406
ATTN:  Charlie Othold

If you have more halloween candy then 4 out of 5 dentists recommend.  Send it to the troops.  The candy helps them make friends in the war zones (especially from the kids) and lets them know that those who are against the war (like me) still remain awed and inspired by those who have to fight it. 

In other news I plan to do nanoblopo month.  I want to get back to writing every day.  Nanowrimo--not much this year.  But posting every day.  That I can try to do.