Journeywoman

Going forth in spite of fear

Okay I really did promise that I would do better with the posting.  I'm working on it, honest. 

One other thing I'm working on is renewing our homestudy.  This time we have to take adoption classes--this can be done online.  Some of them have been okay.  Today's was quite informative.  

And then there were the others. 

Two of them, specifcally.  The one about health issues and the one about adoption loss made me and D respectively want to crawl under our beds. It was scary, reading about all the possible ways that our kid would be messed up.  Then to read the ways that they will handle their loss.  Hard hard stuff. 

I know adoption--hell I know parenting--is not unicorns farting rainbows.  I know this.  But sometimes I have to put the fear on the back burner and live my life, you know?  

When I'm driving a car, I can't think of all the ways that the other drivers can crash into me and kill me and the loved ones who are in my car.  If I do that I will be in a little ball and never get to where I'm going. 

So where are we going?  Good question.  We're not exactly sure.  We're still moving forward. A little more nervous, a little more knowledgable. 

Going forth in spite of the fear. 

2011--don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I often give my years themes.  2009 was the year of concerts--and the year of my house. 2010 was the in-between year. 

2011 was the year of mortality. 

We lost my mom's favorite cousin, M.  M's husband had died four months prior. 

We lost a dear friend of the family. 

I had to come face to face with mortality--often. 

• My father spent half of March, nearly all of April and a chunk of may in the hospitals and rehabs. He's better now God be thanked, but it was hell there. 
• In the space of one week I had to bring D to the ER and then call the EMTs for him. 
• I had a procedure done to check out my heart.  All is in good working order, but it sucked and scared me. 
• My mother-in-law had surgery. 
• My mom was rushed to the hospital and needed surgery to get her gall bladder out. 
• My oldest friend was diagnosed with colon cancer. She's a year younger than I am. Not even 40 yet. 

 

I'm holding my breath until the ball drops. I'm worried that somehow 2011 will take another loved one from me. 

I'm terrified and hopeful for 2012.

I'm terrified that I will lose someone. Absolutely terrified. 

I hope this will be the year I see my child's face and bring her home. 

I hope that I can learn from my health mistakes and start putting them to rights. 

I hope I will be maintaining this blog a lot better than I have been. 

I hope that my country keeps going away from recession and more inclusion and that the election isn't awful. 

 

I hope. 

Best wishes for 2012.

 

Jewels of Elul--Transformative Moment

I haven't been writing the Jewels of Elul here because really--the questions have been kinda one-word answer type things. 

Except today. 

If you had to name a transformative moment for you in the last year, what would it be?

I don't know. There were so many. 

• My father got sick. Really sick. Sick, we thought we were going to lose him sick. I've never been more care-ful of my father. Speaking to him whenever I get the chance. 

• I had to get major medical attention for D twice in the space of a week. Once in the emergency room and once a call to 911 with paramedics.

• I had to get a major medical test. It was so weird for me. I'm so used to worrying about my parents, my husband, my lack of children. But when I faced the fact that there might be something very wrong--with me.  It threw things into perspective.  I'm okay and Gd willing I will continue to be so. The scare was just that, a scare. But I'm planning actively to eat better, excercise, and all that shit. 

I guess I was faced with mortality and I'm realizing that life is just too goddamn short.

 

Jewels of Elul #5 (yeah, I missed one)

We're away for Labor day weekend so I missed one--sorry.

Today's is Descricbe your most awesome experience by candlelight.

 

Okay, well my truly most awesome experience by candlelight is not rated PG or even PG-13.  I'll leave that to your imagination and go with my second most awesome experience.

It was the first Shabbat after we knew that the IVF failed. I had made dinner and was just planning to eat--not to light the candles or make kiddish.  D, however, as usual set up the candles, wine and bread for kiddish. I looked at him.  I had no desire to bless Gd. I had no desire to even talk to Gd.  I said so. 

In his amazing D way he nodded. (How come a nod can indicate so much?)  He said fine, but he worried that if I didn't do it now, I would never do it again. I couldn't argue with that so grudgingly--very grudgingly, I lit the candles.  

It was as if--a little bit--those candles chased some of the darkness away from my soul. I didn't suddenly get joyous but some of the darkness fell away.  Some of the bitterness fell away.  It would be years before most of it did--but the candles did beat away the darkness for that first Shabbat.

Jewels of Elul #3

If you had to name a mantra by which you live your life, what would it be? Where or how did you learn it?

 

I don't really know.  There's "Win a few, lose a lot."  My dad says that one often.  There's "Everything can be fixed." which is an editors mantra.  

It really isn't that there is a mantra that helps me to live my life--but that if I need a song to express what I am feeling at any one time, I can find it.  That helps.  Music is my life.

 

What about you? Any mantras?

Jewels of Elul #2

If you had to name one way in which you accepted help from others, what would it be?

 

This June the doctor told me that I needed an Angiogram because they saw something on the stress test. The procedure had them put a small camera through an artery in my right wrist and into my heart to check for problems.  Thankfully there were no problems.  

Unfortunately though the aftermath of the procedure had my right arm in an enormous amount of pain. For most of the month of July I had to rely on my sweet D to do for me.  For the first week I couldn't even put my own bra on!  The second week it still hurt.  My right arm is still weaker than it was.  But during this period I had to accept help from others. 

 

Jewels of Elul--My first one this year

Well.  

Yeah.

Been a while. 

It is almost the new year and I have a lot to say.  So I'm going to do these writing prompts.  From here.

Today's prompt. 

If you had to look back at all the disasters that have happened in your life (either personal or human) which had the greatest long-term impact for you?

My first instinct is to say I really haven't had a personal disaster--but of course I have.  Anyone who reads this blog for more than one post knows it.  

Infertility.

But I don't like the term disaster.  Disaster is what people are dealing with now in the wake of Hurricane Irene.  Disaster is 9/11--can anyone else believe it has been 10 years?  Disaster is something that happens to other people. 

Until it doesn't. 

Infertility is so insidious that you don't know that it is happening. "It will happen next month."  "I guess we'll have to keep trying." 

Then it is "The Crays have their second on their way.  What's wrong with me?"

Now it is--yeah the disaster--but also the fork.  Everything started from then.  Hopefully by next Rosh Hashanah I will have seen the face of my adopted child.  The disaster set us on a different path. Maybe that's why an anagram of disaster is sad rites.

 

Shadows

 

Thanks for the well wishes and the good thoughts.  It was a shadow--my heart is fine.  I would have written it the day of the procedure except that when they went into my radial artery something kind of spasmed and I've been barely able to type.  And when I have been typing it has been at work. 

 

More later, when my hand heals up.  Promise. 

Thirteen things I have done

The year is not getting better.  A week from tomorrow I'll be having a cardiac procedure to check something out from the stress test I had. It might result in nothing it might result in something. I don't know. To say I am scared would be an insult to terrified people.  I had to read this paper about all the bad things that might happen.  This is my first surgery (with the exception of dental surgery) and I am frightened. 

So, Digging into my morbid mood--If the worst happens I'm listing thirteen accomplishments. Thirteen things that I can say I did that. 

1) I wrote three complete screenplays, one complete novel and two teleplays.  I'm in the middle of another novel but I do have completed work--not published work but completed. 

2) I graduated from a top college in four years.

3) I've watched my nieces grow up into stunning young women. 

4) I got involved in a successful presidential campaign and helped elect Barack Obama. 

5) I saw Paul McCartney in concert. 

6) I marched in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade (several times)

7) Even thought I was very small I walked in the footsteps of my forefathers and went to Israel.

8) I've traveled. 

9) I have always tried to be the kind of person I would want to have as a friend. Sometimes I've succeeded sometimes I haven't, but the effort has been worth it. 

10) While I can't grow flowers or vegetables worth a damn, I've cultivated friendships. I consider my parents my friends. I have friends who I consider siblings.

11)I've learned from my mistakes. I've had to make a few mistakes over but I'd like to think I've learned. 

12) I've spent the past fifteen years married to the love of my life. My soulmate, my best friend, my all. Even the days we've spent in snits on opposite sides of the house I've loved him with all of my soul. I don't regret a single moment. 

yeah, I know I'm leaving it at twelve--because I'm not done. 

I'm not planning on checking out of this crazy-ass world yet. I'm going to fight. I'm going to take better care of myself so I can add--I was someone's mother to this list. 

 

I'd appreciate any prayers and good wishes throughout this next week--it's going to be a tough one.

For other Thursday  Thirteens go here

Have I mentioned we're having a shitty year?

Anyone familiar with Apollo 13 the movie?  Great movie.  If we note it is on when we're thrumming through the guide we know we have to avoid it because once we start watching the movie we're hooked.  Consequently we quote it. A lot.

Anyway after all the nasty stuff has happened and the Apollo Astronauts are coming back to earth soon, one of the people in mission control says that there is a typhoon warning in the landing site. It might miss them.  Then Ed Harris' character says "Not unless their luck changes."

That's summing up our year.  It isn't bad enough that we're having issues with my dad. With my sweet husband, D.  No--now I have to step up to the plate.

I started getting chest pains a bit last year. I did what most people do--I ignored them.  Then when my dad had to get angioplasty the chest pains increased.  Stress. But I scheduled a stress test. When I had the test and I didn't hear anything back I felt relieved.  I had a follow up today with the cardiologist. 

Don't feel relieved. 

He wants to do a cardio catheter procedure.  The only good thing is that he's in no hurry.  But the images of the stress test seem to indicate there might be a blockage. 

Journeywoman--meet freakout.  Hello freakout how are the wife and kids?

I don't know when it will be. Maybe it won't show anything wrong.

Not unless my luck changes.