Living in my skin

I was talking about race to an African-American co-worker.  It was a nice chat since I listened more than I talked.  She later complemented me on not telling her that the racism that she has experinenced (that she spoke about) was all in her head. So many white people do, she told me. I can't pretend to understand all of what she has been through.  But I believe that I can understand a small (very small) portion.  Because I am fat.

I don't mean that I am one of those women who could stand to lose 20 pounds.  I mean when I lost 20 pounds there were still over 100 I had to go. I have been fat for my adult life.  I gained more weight when I went through the IF.  I tell the story about how my sister nearly slugged her husband when she was on Clomid.  My BIL asked her "is it the fertility meds or did you just gain 10 pounds?"  She swung at him without thinking.  When I tell that story sometimes people laugh and sometimes people ask, "really, the fertility meds make you gain weight?"

I am fat in the way that I become invisible.  People look at me, stare for a minute, and then look away.  I have gone on interviews for positions where I am supremely qualified and not gotten a job and I KNEW it was because of my weight.  When Time, Newsweek, etc, had cover stories about the obesity epidemic that was when I saw myself represented in media.  Camryn Manheim is my hero(ine), as is Queen Latifa.   In Chicago, when she sang the "Be Good for Mama" song, it was the first time in my life that I saw a large woman embrace her sexuality on screen.  The first time.  Usually the fat girl is laughed at, or pitied.

And MAN can it get personal.  If I had a dollar for every well-meaning waitress who has given me a diet soda instead of the regular one I ordered I'd be able to retire and put 5 kids through the college of their choice.  At my last job I told my HR person that I was going to be coming in late due to my fertility treatments.  Like the 13th grade place of business that it was, the next day I overheard a group of grown women snickered like high school students in the breakroom.  "Of COURSE she's not pregnant, what man would want to sleep with all that blubber."

My husband, that would be who. To him I'm beautiful.  He and Ruebens would have gotten along fine.  We're excercising more for my health, but as far as my looks go, I'm fine with him.  I wish I could say there was a time that I suddenly became 100% comfortable in my skin.  I'll let you know if it happens.  I have my good days and my bad days.  I go to weight watchers and I watch the scale go up and down.  I've started running and I think about training for a marathon.  If I get to a mile without stopping I'll think more about it.  I take dancing lessons with my husband and he looks into my eyes and makes me feel wonderful.  If people are interested I will talk more about this subject--but that wasn't the real point of this post

The point is, if carrying all the extra weight will make me understand my daughter even a fraction better.  It will have been worth all the looks and snickers.  If it means that I can say to her "I DO understand, and it sucks and I am SO mad with you."  It will be worth it.

Comments

[Amanda]

Wow. I cannot remember a time when a post touched me as much as this one does. And, I want to share this with you....I am fat. I have gained and lost so much weight that it is not funny. I have stretch marks that rival most women who have carried multiple pregnancies, but I have never given birth. My husband, who was overweight when we met, fell in love, and got married, lost over 90 pounds several years ago (and has maintained this loss through intense work outs and eating right....I live with a health nut). I now weigh more than him, even though he is a full foot taller than me.

All that being said, he still thinks that I am sexy, and tells me every day how beautiful I am. I have expereienced the same things that you have..the veiled comments, the invisibility, and the pain. But in the walls of our home, I feel nothing but peace. And, since Sofie has been home with us, I can only say that that feeling, and the feeling of love for my body has just grown. I love that my arms cuddle her just right, and that my soft belly and chest provide a place for her to snuggle in and rest her head. She often lifts my shirt to blow raspberries on my tummy (since I do this to her daily, it has become a game)..and she smiles and laughs.

I feel no shame in this, and know that being at peace with myself, even in the face the constant media blitz of "thin is perfect" and the unrealistic view of beauty in our world....it *will* enable me to help my daughter come to terms with being different that the "norm" (whatever that is..right?). I love that you verbalized something that has been rolling around my head for some time. Thank you!

Warmly,

Amanda

[erinberry]

I'm really sorry you've encountered that meanness - You must have been crushed when hearing those women at work talking about you.

[Michelle]

Thank you for writing this. I have had a post about my wieght rolling around inside my head for quite some time, but can't seem to get it out. I am fat too. Right now I am my heaviest weight ever. I need to lose 80 lbs. for the charts to even consider me "normal". And that would put me on the high end of the scale. The stress of the infertility and now the adoption has not helped the situation at all. And to make it even worse, I have an identical twin who weighs 60 lbs. less than I do. It's hard enough to compare my wieght to a complete stranger's, let alone someone who is supposed to look exactly like you! Anyway, thanks for posting this. It took a lot of courage. And good for you that your husband loves you as you are. Mine does too, and for that I am lucky.

[Avonlea Spring]

I understand your sense of invisibility, and I wish we all could refrain from judging people from the outside.

The people who laughed and said such hurful things - they're inmature and shallow. Personally, I'd rather be overweight than thin and so shallow and cruel.

I think what makes a person beautiful is being able to see the beauty in everyone.

I think you're beautiful too.

[Debberoo]

x
Debberoo

[Adrienne]

What an awesome post. Thanks for letting us read this; I'll bet it was hard to write, but you felt great afterward.