How much to bend

The comments are still coming in for my last post. i want to start off with some clarifications.

1) I don't know the whole story. No one does, except for those who were there.

2) I am not in any way saying that a child who has a tantrum on an airplane has bad parents. This is absolutely not the case. Children can't handle air pressure they cry, they cannot be reasoned with. That is the nature of these loveable beasts.

That's been said.

Here's my question. How much do you bend? I believe that they were kicked off the flight, not because of the tantrum, but because the plane couldn't taxi until the child was in her seat. How long should the rest of the flight waited? Is it fair to the other people on the flight--some of them have connecting flights to wait on the tantrum of a child?

To paraphrase Ali's comment, What about the tantrum of an adult? Is your answer the same if it is a person with extreme flight anxiety? Should the flight have to wait until the person calmed down enough to take their seat? What if you were on the plane and had a connecting flight?

How much should we bend?

As the wife of a teacher I discuss this a lot. Who should get the most attention? The Gifted Child who plans to major in my husband's field, or the "classified child" who can barely read. If you say both, then you will pay your property taxes without blinking--but one of them doesn't get the funding--which one. And what about all the kids in the middle?

I have food allergies, thankfully, none of them are so serious that they could kill me. When I was a child, I never would have dreamed of "peanut-free" flights. I am amazed and grateful to the mothers who did. (I love those stale pretzels!) But then, are we teaching these kids not to ask? The first thing I do is ask how was something made. I ask to see labels. I don't make a big deal but I ask. Some people don't. They expect a waitress to say when something has nuts. That's a dangerous expectation. The next expectation is to expect restaurants to stop making things with nuts.

Where is the line drawn?

When do you bring a child out of a restaurant for throwing a tantrum? When the tantrum begins? After you've finished eating? Some of my friends don't agree on this one. I don't have the first idea.

I worked at a children's museum once. My job one day was to man the "MoonWalk" (Jumpy thing) A little boy went over to a disabled little boy on crutches and brutally knocked him down. I brought both boys out of the ride. (Maybe the boy had taunted him or something...I didn't know). I asked what happened. The first child said "I wanted to see if he would be like a turtle or something. I see him in school always flapping on those crutches so I just did it." I looked at this kid and told him that the ride was closed to him for the rest of the day. I helped the other boy back in and had a blast helping him jump, and holding his crutches in one hand and his hands in the other so he could jump like the other boys.

The next thing I knew my boss was motioning me off the ride. The bully and his mother were there. My boss wanted to know why I had banned the child from the ride. I told her and his mother what happened. The mother said "It's his birthday, let him go back on." I was stunned. I was supposed to let the kid go back because it was his birthday? What kid was he going to pick on next year? I refused, my boss sent me home, but paid me for the hours I should have worked.

I still stand by what I did. If the boy remembers it, I hope he feels shame. But probably he doesn't. He probably still thinks I was wrong...maybe I was. Though I still stand by what I did and I'm not sorry. I'm glad I didn't bend that day.

When do you bend?

Comments

[Aimee]

I absolutely would have done the same thing in your moonwalk situation. I get outraged when kids are catered to by parents and others when they act like that in situations. How are they supposed to learn to be responsible, caring, and tolerant adults? Absolutely ludicrous.
I am an elementary school teacher, and I see those kinds of things from parents all the time. There are so many occassions where parents "bend" when I don't think they should. I think they are doing an injustice to their children by allowing certain behaviors to be acceptable. I know I am not yet a parent, but sometimes one doesn't need to have their own children yet to know when something is unacceptable.
Thanks for posting on this--it was great to read so many opinions on it.

[Julie]

I think I will have done a good job as a parent if I teach my children to be accountable...so few kids seem to be accountable anymore. I totally would have done what you did with the moonwalk... I can't believe that parent didn't get it!!

Julie

[Naomi]

I totally agree with what you did that day. Where the boy was concerned, there was direct malice and ill intent involved. Where the three year old was concerned on the plane, well, we've established that we weren't there to see what unfolded.

When do I bend? I play pick your battles. When I go places with my kid, I am prepared to leave everything if I have to if she's not behaving. If she starts throwing a tantrum while I'm in the supermarket, I'll give her one warning, telling her that if she continues I will take her out - and then if she's still not behaving I will actually leave my food and take her out. Ususally the threat or the kid seeing you just start to carry out your threat is enough to make it work. I think I've only had to leave a supermarket once, but I'd do it again if I had to. Teaching my kid a lesson in how to behave in public is far more imporatant than picking up groceries I can do later that evening.

In a restaurant - same thing. I give a warning, and then it's just a matter of how fast they can pack up the food. Or if my husband is with us, I will have him take her out and sit in the car with her - this works for many siutations - have one parent take the kid out, sit in the car, and explain why they were removed from the situation. My daughter generally agrees that she's not having fun removed from the situation and will agree to behave, earning herself re-admittance to wherever we were.

And on the whole, she's generally well behaved in public now that she's approaching four. But removing her from the situation works really well.

When do I bend? When it doesn't matter. When I've asked her to clean up the playroom before bedtime, she's already tired and on the verge of throwing a fit, I'd rather not push it at the moment making bedtime harder and just tell her that she'll have to clean up tomorrow before she plays with anything. And then I follow through with it. I'll bend into giving her 'one more' animal cracker even though I really shouldn't. I try not to have fights over food - it's so not worth it to me. I bend when she refuses to wear gloves outside. I will suffer the comments and scowles from people who think I'm a horrible mom for letting my otherwise fully bundled up kid out without gloves when it's 30 degrees for 10 minutes, but my kid will not die because of it, maybe she'll eventually learn that it's freezing outside and will ask me for her gloves that I've taken along with me - just in case that lesson is learned while we are out and about.

[Figlet]

When to bend. Ah. Naomi is correct. When it doesn't matter. Perfect. When it doesn't affect other people. I've caught myself engaged in battle over my daughter's desire to eat lunch off a blue plate and not an orange one. And I've pretty much decided that she does deserve a say in things like that. Screaming in a restaurant? Never. Out the door. We take turns eating or have food wrapped up, though that happens so rarely. The kid knows how to behave in a restaurant. But you almost can't blame the kid on the moonwalk. If his parents haven't given him direction, he's certainly not going to pick it up on his own. He'll grow up to be the CEO of some company and his staff will loathe him. But he probably won't care.

[Ali]

Oh, it's nice to read about child rearing from all these good mommies!

I know it can be a struggle, when to bend, when not to. I used to teach high school and I used to deal with these issues a lot. I had to find my own style in the classroom, and with teenagers as well - I agree. Bend when it doesn't matter. But on the whole, the school that I worked in bent SO MUCH, that it became an impossible place to work.

I see the suburban mommies that I live around struggle with when to bend sometimes. I once witnessed a very nice woman trying to stop her son from banging his fists against the glass case at the bakery and running around the tiny little space. The place was busy, and she very meekly asked her son to stop. And she asked again. And he did not stop. So she stopped asking. I could tell she was unsure about what to do. If I raise my voice am I a bad mother? If I scold my son am I cruel? Should I just let him run wild like the other mommies?

I'm not a mommy yet, but I am expecting, and I wonder if there is a sort of peer pressure in child rearing. And does this effect when, if and how we bend?

[tshapedgirl]

Interesting discussion. I have been operating under the idea that I want to let LT feel like she "wins" or essentially has a say in things half of the time. I never thought about it in the context that Naomi described, but she really hit the nail on the head. When I am battling LT over something, or something is about to bubble up to a battle, I really try to stop and ask myself, "does this matter? will it hurt her? will it hurt or bother others? will I care in 5 minutes/days/years?"

I also believe that taking on the responsibility of parenting means that you have to be willing to live life interrupted. If LT can't behave at the restaurant- then we leave and go home. If she's too tired to be in Target for one more minute- then I need to shop on another day.

We have a few things (so far- she's only 22 months old) that are not negotiable: dropping food or plates off her tray, and throwing toys. Other than that, LT is very laid back so we haven't had to worry about this too much yet.

It's hard for me to imagine what I would have done in the case of the airplane family. I can't imagine letting it go that far, but then again I have a child who doesn't take things that far.