Transfer went well.
Well kinda well. Do you know how much I rely on lubricant for the fucking speculum? And now that the image of my cooter is in your head, let me say that it took Three--count them THREE tries to get it in correctly. My problems were that my bladder was too full, and they kept telling me to go out and empty but not TOTALLY empty and I've never been good at that.
TMI? Fuck that.
No the hormones and shit aren't having an effect on me...why do you ask.
Actually I'm not angry. I'm swinging wildly between hope and pleas to a Gd that I haven't been very nice to.
I took today easy. Watched the extended versions of Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. (Return of the King is tomorrow) Good stuff. Perfect for my mood today. Losing myself in the fantasy of Middle Earth. And then a line slammed into me...
It's the part of the movie when everything looks blackest. And Frodo says to Sam that he can't do it. He just can't go on. Sam agrees, basically saying that yes, life sucks. And now I'm going to quote...
"By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."
For seven years I have kept going. I had lots of chances of turning back and I didn't. I kept going. Now I hope I'm on the path that leads me out of the horrific forest and into a new one...
I hope I don't either.
**EDITED TO ADD**
We were watching Two Towers today, the day we knew we made it through review. We know now that IVF #1 didn't work and we know there will be IVF #2. Anyway we're watching it again and get to this part and I notice that D's brushing his eyes. I ask him what's wrong.
He says, "Nothing. Just...someday I'm going to read our child this book. I'm going to finish this passage and tell her that it gave us hope in the long wait for her. And I saw it in my head...clear as day. Her asking, 'What were you holding onto Daddy?' and I give her a hug and I say 'This, baby, THIS."
I was crying too, I reached over and held on to my beloved.