I was watching something on TV where a kid made a pinhole camera. Through an aperture as small as a pinhole you can see entire vistas.
I thought about how true that was about the infertility journey.
When I tell someone I don't have children I can feel their eyes in me. They are studying me, like I study photographs. Do I say it looking down? Do I look depressed? Does that mean it wasn't by choice? Should they say something comforting?
They think they know my life from that pinhole. When I say that I was a 25-year old virgin when I married my sweet D, people think they know my life from that pinhole
But these are parts of my life, they don't define who I am. I do that. And the thing is, I have to start really doing it.
I don't know how much longer the wait from China will get. I don't know that this journey will ever end with me as a mom. And because I don't know, I refuse to define myself by the children I will or may not have.
I define myself by being an excellent cook.
I define myself by being a pretty good worker, and a fairly good fiction writer (unpublished--when I become published I'll up it to very good.)
I define myself as D's wife.
I define myself as B's granddaughter which imbues me with characteristics that have saved my life, my soul and my sanity.
I need to live my life. I can't define it by my wait or what is missing from my life.
Brave words...but right now they are pinhole cameras into my world. They are what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning on days when I don't think the sun will ever come out.
Yet today...it was sunny after a long winter.
D and I went to the park near our new house for the first time and flew a kite.
Then we watched Hurt Locker on DVD and watched it win the Oscar.
I watched a large woman---actually two large women be complemented for their beauty and grace.
Today's snapshot was good.