Been a while, sorry. My dad's been ill. He's getting better--kind of. He's on oxygen and he doesn't want to do anything that requires leaving the house. He's stronger so I don't think he'll need to be on oxygen much longer but these past few weeks have been hard--very hard. Good thoughts and prayers are welcome.
No one tells you things about having your parents get sick. Here are Thirteen I've learned the hard way.
1) It doesn't matter if you know how old your parents are, you're not prepared for them to look old, or infirm, the way you see them in a hospital bed.
2) It is frightening, in that place where you don't talk about it, to see mortality etched on a loved ones face.
3) You want to throttle anyone talking down to your loved ones.
4) That being said, you want to kick anyone's ass who doesn't speak to them with respect. I nearly yelled at the doctor for calling my father "83 year old male" to another doctor. That's my father you're talking about! My father! He has a name and he's not just any 83 year old male, he's mine!
5) Anger fills you and you get angry at everything. Your spouse, your job, your car. Even your loved one for not being invincible. That last will keep you up late at night praying for forgiveness.
6) There are two words for children caring for sick parents that don't think that somehow their siblings could be doing more. Those two words are: Only children.
7) There is a pride in doing for your parents in ways that they have always done for you.
8) You start crying at everything.
9) You graduate with your PhD of Google Medical Sites. How were people informed about their own conditions and that of loved ones before the internet?
10) You start thinking in terms of before and after the hospitalization. How silly all your worries were before it.
11) You thank Gd for Medicare so you don't have to choose between buying groceries for your mother and paying your father's hospital bill. You have nothing but evil words for anyone who thinks that universal health care in the US should not be the law of the land.
12) You start talking about quality of life issues. Seriously people talk about them BEFORE you get sick. My parents have done so and I know where they stand.
13) All those stupid little things you were mad at your parents for--all of them--go away when you think you might lose them.* You end every phone conversation with "I love you so much." You find yourself going back one more time for one hug and you pray in your heart when you leave that you will see them again.
(*This of course does not hold true in cases of abuse--because, of course, that is not a stupid little thing. Thankfully I can only speak of my experience and equally thankfully abuse had no part in my growing-up)
Been there, lived that with both my parents. Glad to hear your father's health is improving. Thanks for visiting!
Posted by: Heather | March 30, 2011 at 09:18 PM
It's hard. Really hard.
Posted by: Alice Audrey | March 30, 2011 at 11:11 PM
Praying for you right now, its such a rough time.
Posted by: Mercy | March 30, 2011 at 11:18 PM
You're a good daughter. Can I adopt you?
Hang in there.
Posted by: Ron. | March 31, 2011 at 02:12 AM
"There is a pride in doing for your parents in ways that they have always done for you." I cherish every moment of the time my elderly parents lived with us - all the great times we had together. I lost my Mom a few months later - it's been eight years and not a day goes by that there isn't something to remind me of her love.
Posted by: Pamela | March 31, 2011 at 03:40 AM
wonderful post - my family has just learned that my dad has cancer and I can relate to just about every one of these - Thanks so much for posting this!
Posted by: Sandra (Dynamo) | March 31, 2011 at 04:20 AM
Agree, it is tough. It's very hard on people and in the US we don't prepare for it like we should. Excellent post! I hope your dad feels better soon.
Posted by: CountryDew | March 31, 2011 at 05:18 AM
I've totally lived through that. It's a tough one. Love the Google thing :)
Enjoy your Thursday!
http://harrietandfriends.com/2011/03/how-do-you-know-you-live-in-the-real-world/
Posted by: Harriet | March 31, 2011 at 06:53 AM
There is no easy way to go through it. Talking helps, so I'm glad you have this blog to vent.
Happy T13.
Posted by: Adelle Laudan | March 31, 2011 at 07:56 AM
this was a very moving, touching entry. sending prayers and hugs your way. i still have 2 relatively healthy parents and am grateful for that, even moreso after reading this post. thank you.
Posted by: snarky | March 31, 2011 at 07:59 AM
I can totally relate to your post, having lost both parents. Hugs!
Posted by: Janet | March 31, 2011 at 08:20 AM
Wow. My Dad was ill and in and out of hospitals for about five years. You are right on and I have experienced every one of these emotions. Except #6. My siblings and I all pitched in and helped out.
Posted by: mary | March 31, 2011 at 12:59 PM
So true. Every single one.
I never knew anger like that I felt after my Mom was taken from us. Fury.
You have all been in my prayers.
Posted by: michelle | March 31, 2011 at 07:00 PM
My grandmother was in the hospital while staying with us twice for a broken hip. I agree with almost everything you said!
Posted by: Jessi Joy | March 31, 2011 at 07:58 PM
It is hard when parents don't tell you the truth about their health. My mom was sick way before I found out the truth and by then she was dying! She was 41 and I was 14. They never talked to us about the problem instead we learned to cooperate with our questions unanswered!
Posted by: irel | March 31, 2011 at 07:59 PM
all true. thinking of you as you wade through this difficult time.
Posted by: luna | April 02, 2011 at 07:07 PM
You are so right! I've been in that situation with my mom. It's no fun. Hope things are getting better.
Posted by: Forgetfulone | April 02, 2011 at 10:01 PM
So true. I'm glad to hear that your Dad is getting stronger. It is so hard to see a loved one sick and in the hospital. My Dad is slated for surgery to repair his aorta next week. It's been a stressful time for our family, and I can relate to each item on your list.
I will keep sending good thoughts and prayers for your Dad's recovery.
Posted by: Amber | April 05, 2011 at 12:04 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. You both will be in my thoughts for sure. I can relate to so much of this. I will never forget walking into my dads hospital room after his stroke and how small he looked in that bed. My giant of a dad, this tiny, frail man. But then he opened his mouth and cracked a joke. Even with the slurred speech, I could tell my dad was still in there. You're so right; it makes you thankful for every single day. I'm so sorry that you had to learn all of this. Hang in there!
Posted by: Ordinary Girl | April 08, 2011 at 05:21 PM
Heart-trending time. My dad was in palliative care 3 years ago. That bodily exhaustion is familiar. 4, 11, 12 I especially relate to, hear.
Posted by: Pearl | April 14, 2011 at 07:16 AM
Here from Mel's Creme list.
I lost my father 6 years ago ( relating very much to #12) and now my mother is increasingly frail. Having visited her at Christmas, and talked with my sister who lives closer to my mother, I had to smile (or was it a grimace?) at #6.
Posted by: Mali | January 02, 2012 at 03:34 PM