tap tap tap. This thing still on?
I know how long it has been. And when I start to talk about what has happened in this time people will wonder why I didn't take to the blog and scream out the news. More on that later.
First, the important bit.
After a six year wait, we were matched!
She's (now) 10 months old and in Jiangxi province.
She's beautiful. She's ours.
The referral went like this. I knew we were in the batch (thank you RQ) and was waiting for the call. And waiting. And waiting.
I called our agency and the agency said that nothing had come in from China. I was at work and got so pissed at this I went for a walk around the area to calm myself down. I went back to my desk and tried to get some work done. About an hour later my cell phone rings and I see it's the agency. I had already been told it wouldn't be today so I'm impatient when I pick up the phone.
"JW, do you have other kids or is this your first child?" the woman from the agency asked.
I snarl inside my head. WTF does she need to know this for?
"It's our first." I said.
"Well, congratulations mommy--it's a girl!" She said.
I fell off my chair.
I pulled myself up to my knees. "What?"
"It's a girl! And She's just beautiful." I had to make her stop as I promised D we would see the info together. OH what info.
I called D on his cell. This was two weeks after we had a fight about whether or not I was "allowed" to call him at work. I snarled that a pregnant wife would be allowed to call for this and he responded that since I wasn't pregnant, it was different. That was a fun fight, let me tell you. It ended okay and we agreed that I could call him.
He kept saying "what? What? Really? I'm leaving now!"
I ran to my boss' office and told her that it was a girl and I had to get home to see her. My boss gave me a big hug and seemed so excited for me. I got on the train and tried to sleep otherwise I would have popped out of my skin. I got home. D had cleaned the kitchen "I needed something to do!"
We sat down at the laptop and watched as the pixels formed together to show us a little face. Paul McCartney got it right.
I've just seen a face, I can't forget the time or place where we first met. She's just the girl for me and I want all the world to see we've met. Falling, yes i am falling, and she keeps calling me back again.
That day was a month ago.
Why didn't I post? Why won't I post a picture now?
A few reasons.
It's been nearly seven years since we started this whole thing. I have blog posts about each step of the way. Seven years of waiting. People said how patient I was. They were fooled. I can't quite believe that this is happening. I see this face. I'd do anything for this child. Anything. I can't quite put these feelings into words. Yet I still can't just board a plane and go see her. Hopefully we'll be going in April. I hope.
I'm scared that if I post her picture and something bad happens it will be BECAUSE I posted the picture. I'm scared that something bad will happen.
And yet. And yet.
D and I catch each other's hand and smile. She just turned 10 months and I actually bought her clothes. We registered and I bought her baby proofing stuff. Next week we're painting our office and turning it into a nursery.
I can't believe this is happening.
And I don't know what to do with the feelings I feel.
So If you've still been reading. I will be posting more.
It's happened. The journey is still ongoing, and I'm still a Journeywoman--but my daughter is at the end of the journey--which will lead to a whole different journey and I will be shifting to a mommy blog.