Journeywoman

Ten years ago today

10 Years ago today I was dressing on a rainy day for one of the most important days of my life.
A wedding is different. A wedding you know is going to be important. In a wedding you make the vows, no one forced me to. I took D, and he took me.

I Journeywoman take thee D
I take you my love, for what you are now, what you can be and what you will be.

To be my husband
Husband - Wife. Words that mean a sense of chosen belonging.

For better
Long sunday mornings snuggled in bed. Snowball fights. The first wine festival we went to. The race to see Jim Steinman's Over the Top at Mohegan Sun. There are still days, nights, and mornings that I look at you with such wonder. I think he can't be mine. I never did anything wonderful enough to deserve him.

For Worse
Infertility and the scars it has still left on our marriage. My horrific first publishing job and those scars, your first year of teaching. Fights about drive, about workload and about throwing the damn milk carton away instead of putting the empty one on the counter. Two people as different as we are can't seem to live together without this.

For Richer, for Poorer
I keep saying that we're waiting for richer, but when I look back we were flat broke for the first five years. We make double now what we did then. There was the years of underemployment when our health insurance went on the credit cards. We're still paying that off. But we managed.

In Sickness and in Health
There was a day when I thought I would lose you. , there was the year of bronchitis, relapse of bronchitis, two emergency room visits, and panic attacks when I worked at publishing hell job. There were high blood sugars and reactions. There were two car accidents, both minor thank goodness. There were emergency room visits that terrified us both. And the fact that we are both jerks when we are sick doesn't help much.

Forsaking all others
This line has always been a mystery to me. Forsaking all others, we wouldn't make it through without our friends. We wouldn't have. Hell we wouldn't be together without our friend L. Our parents who drive us crazy, help us in untold ways. My sibs...well they drive us insane too--and then the sibs we chose help us out.

From this day forward, Until Death do us part
I'm looking foward to the next ten years that I get to share with you. As for that last one...let's wait on the last one for a long long time.

10 Yummy Things

This Meme is going around and so finally I get on the bandwagon. Sorry, though, no pictures.  Just word pictures of my top ten favorite foods.

Macaroni and Cheese
The processed kind. Not Kraft, but Land o' Lakes brand is my favorite, though I'm also enjoying Annies. I eat this WAY too often and I still love the stuff.

General Tso's Chicken
Yes, I know it's bad for you, and Yes I know it isn't authentic Chinese food.  If done right, this is possibly the most perfect food. If done right. If not, well then it's soggy and yuck. I'm picky. I also know that Hot General Tso's Good, Cold General Tso's Better.

Scallion Pancakes
YUM. Again has to be done right, with the right dipping sauce but still YUM! YUM! YUM!

Spaghetti with my sauce
I'm allergic to tomatoes.  I cannot eat them at all.  So I invented a special kind of sauce for my spaghetti. I'm the only one I know who likes it this way, but hey, it's amazing. Make Spaghetti. (Or any pasta, really) In a seperate pan take diced onions, one or two, carmelize them in olive oil, mince a clove of garlic and brown that as well. Then put some cheese (I use velveeta--yes I know), and the spaghetti and the onions. It's delicious I tell you, delicious.

Bloomin' Onion
Outback is the best. But others are good. I remember actually cheering during an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Spike said, "They have this onion in the shape of a flower, bloody brilliant!" I cheered because Spike liked what I like! Okay, I have no life....onward.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
I make the best. I say that with no humilty whatsoever. No nuts (allergic), and extra vanilla. Anyone think theirs are better, come on over and we'll have to sample each others.

Salad with REAL Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing
By real, I mean that it doesn't come in a bottle, you make it from the packet. Tastes SOOO Much better that way.

O's Fries
Anyone who has ever been to Pittsburgh knows, or should know, the O. It is in Oakland, near Pitt Campus, and has the best french fries known to man, woman, child, or anyone. My mouth is watering just thinking of it.

My mom's skirt steak
Marinated skirt steak, grilled over a charcoal flame is the main reason I cannot be a vegetarian, ever.

Fresh, Hot, Bread.
I believe, in heaven, bread is served just hot enough to melt the butter. And Garlic butter on fresh hot bread, is better than garlic bread in and of itself.

What are your 10 favorites?

My Father, Human

I've said before that I admire my father, more than just about anyone I've ever met.

I got to talk with him this weekend about what should we do (China v. Guatemala). He talked about some stuff with me and then he said.

"It isn't right to tell you this, but you asked. I worry about Guatemala that you might get a black baby, an indian baby. I mean Hispanic is fine, Spanish is fine, but I've just never found a black or Indian baby cute...and I know I would come to love it because it's yours, but I worry that he'll feel some bad feelings from me. Anyway, I love you, you'll do what you want, what you need, and I'll love your child. I wish I felt different, but I've never lied to you, well except there's no such thing as Santa or the Tooth Fairy."

I was disappointed in him. No question. And then, as I mulled on it, I realized how hard it had to be for my father to admit some weakness to me. I also thought that it would have been easier for him to lie to me, but he doesn't do that.

I guess I want my father to be perfect. I want him to have no faults, because he's my father and my hero. But he's also a human being. Human beings have faults, even if they don't always show them. I know this because my father told it to me.

I don't know that this changes anything. I am kinda taking a break. I'm looking at other agencies and once I find one that I TRUST, then we will make a decision. If I don't find one I TRUST we'll stay wtih our agency and China. My decision will be made probably after July 5--and I will try damn hard not to look back.

Posts To Come:
A Pro-Con list of Guatemala and China adoption
My 10th wedding anniversary post
Bowling

Semi Shitty

I'll start this out by saying that I love and adore my husband with everything that I am and ever will be. *

While some people are opposite of who they marry, I believe that D and myself are complements. Things that I don't have he has and things I have he doesn't have. For example he's patient and calm and cool while I tend to get over emotional.

But for my part of the equation, I have Drive. Yes I meant that to be a capital D. Drive. The thing that says that I WILL get a job, get a promotion, get ahead. What do you mean China is slowing down, well I have to look at other programs now now now. What do you mean I'm too fat to adopt--well too fat for your agency. I get up off the mat and dare the fucker to swing at me again. And when the fucker swings at me and knocks me flat, I still Get Up and go and research and work.

I have tons of Drive. I always thought that I had enough for both of us...and now I'm not sure I do. You see, the shitty thing which I spoke of yesterday is only semi-shitty. The upshot of it is that D won't have summer school. With that goes two things. The money we would use to start Guatemala** and our vacation money. That vacation that I desperately NEED.

Well why doesn't D get another summer job...well that's where Drive comes in. For the first day or so when he needs to look for something he's gung ho. Then I have to remind him to call places. Then I'm putting notes telling him to call places. Then I'm looking on the internet and in the paper for him and putting it on his desk and circling it.

The thing is that I am tired of doing it. So, you say rightly, stop. But if I don't do it it doesn't get done. D has no Drive, and I do. I've been the driving force behind the adoption, not that D doesn't want our kid, he does, but I am doing the paper work the paper chase. I asked him to do two things and he forgot them and only got to them after I reminded him.

This has been the most frustrating part of our marriage. It has nothing to do with how much he loves me. He loves me so much, he would, as the saying goes, walk the world over to get me a blade of grass that I wanted. But I would have to go to the store, buy the map, point him in the right direction, get him something to dig up the blade of grass and put it in. And then he'd come home and think it was his own idea. And he'd give me that grin and the hugs that make me know that I love him in spite of his faults and his everything.

I really do love this man

*An aside here, have you ever noticed that any time a blog starts out with that you KNOW there's some ranting about testesterone soaked cretins coming....yeah me too.

**My parents are helping us with the adoption, but the beginning, the application fee has to come from me. It has to.

la la la

There's some shit going on. I'm not going to deal with now. I'll know something whether shitty or not shitty tomorrow. So I'm putting my fingers in my ears and singing la la la.

My post of the day is classics. Specifically classic books.

I hate being told what I have to read. Pretty funny considering I'm an English major and I work in publishing. Anyway I got tired of having my co-workers say "You've never read [Insert classical book that you probably had to read in High School here]? How did they let you graduate?

So I've tried to read a classic a month, but if I couldn't get through it I didn't pick up another one, I just said..hey I tried. Oh and rereads count, because I swear, I didn't get half enough out of some of these books while reading them in High School.

So far my books are:

January - To Kill a Mockingbird -Reread
Yes, I visualized Gregory Peck and the late Brock Peters, and DAMN it was good.

February - Pride and Prejudice
Good, I liked it.

March - Stranger in a Strange Land - Reread
WOW! I just missed half of it and just WOW!

April - Old Man and the Sea
Didn't get through it. I figure that Hemmingway was just boring. Picked up A Moveable Feast and REALLY liked it. Jury's out on Hemmingway.

May - 1984 - Reread
SCARY AS HELL. Especially when you think of what's going on in the world right now. George Orwell must be laughing his ass off.

And now the point of this post.

June - The Count of Monte Cristo.

WOW. I mean WOW. This book is AMAZING. I have finished half of it and I started it this morning. This is great stuff. Wow.

So, lovely readers, tell me what classics you enjoyed.

The rest of the way

Back before I found out my body didn't work. Back when I believed in Gd, I had a very special Yom Kippur. In the Jewish religion it is the holiest day of the year. I fast and walk to shul (if at all possible). I was still living with my parents, but I had graduated from college and I was going to walk to temple. We looked outside and saw that it looked like rain. My dad and I had a discussion about me walking. I really wanted to walk. Dad didn't want me arriving at temple looking like a drowned rat, and catch cold due to the high powered air conditioners. We came to an agreement. If it started to rain, Dad would come and get me and I would get into the car, no argument.

I walked. No rain. I walked more and it started to mist. Well, I kinda liked it. It wasn't exactly a cold day and the rain was going to cool me off. I started walking faster, and looking over my shoulder to see if my dad was coming. I kept walking. About 2/3rds of the way I heard a crack of thunder and it began to pour. I was just coming up on an underpass and I dashed there. I looked for headlights, and didn't see any, or rather; see any that belonged to my dad's car. I waited for a moment and just as I was steeling myself to see just how fast I could run to shul, I saw my dad's car. He pulled over and I got in.

As I sat tuning out the new Rabbi's sermon, I remembered something my old rabbi had said. He had talked about the "Jewish" version of the prodigal son story. Story begins the same, boy goes out, wastes money, and gets in trouble. But in this version, the father sends word to his son.
"Come home, Come home."
The son writes back. "I can't. I've come too far away."
The father sends back, "Come as far as you can on your own, and I will come to you the rest of the way."
I realized that that is exactly what happened with the car and the rain. I came as far as I could on my own, and Gd came and helped me get the rest of the way.

Of all the intangible things infertility robbed me of, I miss my faith the most. I believed in Gd. I believed with all my heart, my soul, and my might. I still do believe in Gd, I mean SOMEONE has it in for me. But I don't believe in his goodness, his absolute rightness, and that he has a plan, and that I fit into it. I think the hardest thing about the adoption is taking on a faith that I no longer feel. Taking it on faith that I will have a child via adoption--when I took it on faith that I'd have a biological child...well that just didn't work out.

But, but, what if switching to Guatemala is the farthest I can get on my own. What if it is the same thing as leaving my house and hoping it wouldn't rain--and then when the rain came, having a way out of it.

What if there is someone waiting there to take me the rest of the way?

But I can't regret

Gone. Love is Never Gone. As we travel on, Love's what we'll remember

I don't know where we go from here. I mean I know either route will take us to a child, but they are such different roads.

Our social worker had a serious talk with me about doing both adoptions at the same time. She said that going from none to two in a VERY short amount of time might be an idea that sounded better than it was. By the time our son got bonded to us, we'd be off to China and bringing a sister who has who knows what issues. She reccomended two years to allow us to become accustomed to the idea of parenting and then completing the China adoption--if in fact we go to Guatemala.

I haven't picked an agency for Guatemala yet. I think I'm waiting for this next batch of referrals. I'll see what happens then. If it is the 23 or 25, I will probably send the application soon after. If they do make it to the 30th...well then I'm going to reconsider--again.

He's not mine

Since we're all but certain we're switching to Guatemala we've started looking at agencies. One of them, the one the wonderful Chew used. Anyway it was slow at work today, and I got to call them and chat. They were really nice. I don't know for certain that we're going with them, but I don't know we aren't.

Anyway.

About a half hour later she called me and said we might have a child for you. He's two. (Old for us) Did I want to take a look. I didn't. I mean, we really want a baby or newborn. REALLY. But I did.

I looked at a beautiful smiling boy. His eyes were full of mischief and his smile was genuine. He was just beautiful. But he wasn't mine.

I don't know how I'll know. I don't know except that I will know.

memeage

Layers of Me:

I got this from Birch and Maple

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Journeywoman
-- Birth date: March
-- Height: Short
-- Righty or Lefty: right
-- Zodiac Sign: Airies

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Jewish, Russian, Polish, Austrian, German, and a tiny bit French
-- The shoes you wore today: Cheap
-- Your weakness: Books and itunes
-- Your fears: that everyone is laughing at me
-- Your perfect pizza: White with a garlic butter sauce with mushrooms and that.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: have kids, get published

LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Is it morning yet?
-- Your best physical feature: Boobs
-- Your most missed memory: being fertile--okay imagining I was fertile

LAYER FOUR:
--- What instruments can you play? I sing, and can bang out stuff on the piano
--- Are you ticklish? sometimes
--- Are you shy? No I'm loquatious and sometimes I bore people.
--- Are you a morning person? If caffinated, yes.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: no
-- Cuss: fuck yes.
-- Sing: yes, I love choral music
-- Do you think you've been in love: Twice. And the second guy loves me back.
-- Like(d) high school: Yeah, kinda sorta.
-- Want to get married: Sinc I was a baby
-- Believe in yourself: I've heard of this....not much though.
-- Get along with your parent(s): great when we're not living together. Like now.
-- Like thunderstorms: When I'm inside and safe

LAYER SIX:
-- What do you want to be when you grow up? A published author, and a mom
-- What country would you most like to visit? Spain and Italy

LAYER SEVEN:
-- Number of CDs that I own: Over 300
-- Number of piercings: zip. I don't like pain or needles.
-- Number of tattoos: zip. see above
-- Number of scars on my body: A few, and some of them on my soul too.

Join in if you like and let me know about it!

Things

Things I like about this week:

1. Jon Stewart's hilarious 666 episode complete with a blast at Bill Bennet.
2. The fact that when my co-workers found that my adoption benefits were not the same as bio parents, they have been bothering HR to change them. 
3. We think we have an agency if we decide to go to Guatemala.
4. Our Social Worker was wonderful and said she'd want to meet with us again, but an updated home study wouldn't cost a lot more money.
5. This book I'm reading called Luck In The Shadows. 
6. My FIL's surgery went swiftly and cleanly and D doesn't have to go away to be with his dad.
7. Cecily is finally a mom!

Things I don't like this week:

1. The wasted three days on the Gay Marriage Amendment.  Even for the GOP this is obviously a case of talking about things that they think their base will like better.  It's three days the Senate won't be discussing Iraq, or how Bush gets to hear what I tell my Mom.
2. Some work issues.  I don't discuss work on this blog. 
3. That I can't seem to shake how tired I am.  I've been going to sleep earlier too.
4. I find myself being short tempered with D.  It isn't that he's been a jerk or anything but I want him to know exactly what I'm thinking and since I don't know what I'm thinking it's hard for him. 
5. One of my uber-fertile friends is talking about having another kid.  "Let's see, I'll go off of bcp in August, then I'll be pregnant by October..."  The thing is she will be too.  She doesn't understand that I don't want to hear it. 
6. I don't know what to get D for our 10 year anniversary.
7. I never thought we'd reach our 10 year anniversary without at least one child.
8. Nobody seems to understand that it is a lurking sadness that this is happening.  They say I should just be happy for having a 10 year anniversary, but there was so much I wanted to do.

More on the shit pile than on the good, but not much more.