Things

So I'm switching projects. So I'm posting. New project starts tomorrow.

There's a lot going on so I'm going to divide this--and hope that the people who are still reading this get a cup and settle down this might be a very long post.

Adoption
I'm settling in for the wait. I am lucky that I have fabulous co-workers who are kind and act interested even if I am beginning to bore them. Ditto my friends. My family, on the other hand are well, interesting.

First let me take my mom. My mom has surprised me. She's almost 79 years old and she's used to things being a certain way. She's getting accustomed to factoring in the probablility that there will be a small Asian child demanding food, shelter, and a college education and calling me mom. She wants to come with us, and quite frankly I want my mommy. But she also wants to be able to hold the baby--and well DUH. I worry about attachment--but I want attachment on both sides.

Yes, I said both sides. Rumor Queen has an excellent post up today about "The Not So Rosy" part of adoption. I might not love her immediately. I'm allowing that to be true. I will delete the first comment that says that disqualifies me for adoption--I'm being realistic. I didn't have love at first sight with my husband who I love so very much. A lot of friends who gave birth to their kids didn't have love at first sight--why am I setting myself up to something better. If it happens, great. If not, I have the rest of my life to fall in love with my child--I'll settle for the beginning for keeping her healthy and out of danger.

But here's the thing, my mom (parents actually) will be babysitting. Please God, my parents will still be alive and as healthy as they are now, but they will have also crossed over into their 80s. Quite frankly, I don't know how long I'm going to have them. One thing I know, I'm not going to let the time that they have with their new granddaughter (or son) be made bad by giving them the rule book. D and I are the only ones to change and feed her, but I can't say to my parents, "No, I won't let you hold her" (If she'll go to them) Because, I might deprive her, my parents, and myself of something wonderful.

I plan to do a lot for my daughter. I plan to do a lot to foster healthy attachment. I want to give her some measure of control, and I think I'm being realistic that not all will be rosy. Here's the thing though, I'm still the mommy. I'm still the one who will pull her away from the electric outlets and grab her hands VERY firmly when she grabs for D's insulin. I will say "NO" loudly, and she will cry, and inside I will cry too.

I do not expect her to reach for me with open arms and say "Finally"!
I do expect a hug from her before her third birthday.
I do not expect everything to be "better" once I have my child.
I do expect some things to be better, other things to be different, and I expect to miss sleep.
I do not expect her to be waiting for me the way I am waiting for her.
I do expect that at some point, she will move on from her grieving spot.

I will be her parent. That means I have to decide. Some of my decisions will be right. A lot of them will be wrong. When it comes to a great deal of adoptee stuff I'll bow to my D, who is still coming to terms with what it means to be an adoptee.

But I know I will love her, and protect her, and fight with her, and find fun things to do with her, because I know I will love her.

Comments

[hallow]

you are gonna be a great mom!

[Jenny]

I think you are really being realistic.
I am freaking out about the holding as well but the reality is that we will have to allow our families to hold them but feeding, bathing and changing, NOPE.

You will be a wonderful mom and I hope your parents get to enjoy their granddaughter to the fullest!