What bonds us

D is an adoptee. When I started reading the KAD blogs, I found that a lot of their feelings are things that D has said to me about his adoption. I wonder (often) if it is something that all adoptees go through.

Often D says he doesn't feel "bonded" to his parents. I sometimes think that this is a response to me, I am very close with my parents. I try to speak with them once a day and I love spending time with them. I like my parents as well as love them. Do they drive me crazy sometimes HOO BOY yes, but I generally enjoy being with them.

D is closer to my parents than he is to his own and I often wonder if it is because he is adopted. He says that's just the way my parents are. Yet, sometimes I think that he's afraid of losing his parents love. He tries to get me to stand up to his parents for him, and sometimes I do, but I think it is because he is worried they will abandon him.

As a prospective adoptive mom, this terrifies me. While I want my child to be "the perfect child" and part of that may be perfectly obedient--I don't want obedience out of fear that she will lose my love. I want her to know that even if she calls me names, I'll yell at her right back. AND I'll keep loving her.

How do I show this? How do I say--yes, you can be mad at mommy but you still have to do what mommy says or there will be consequences. You can be furious at mommy--and mommy will never ever leave you--when another mommy did.

Comments

[Debberoo]

I think you already have the answer you, show it, you talk it, repeat, repeat.

Children who are not adopted can have the same fear that if they aren't "perfect" their parents will abandon them. Children of divorce often think the divorce is their fault, if they had been "better" their parents would have stayed together.

I think its important to keep explaining to a child that it is a behaviour that you don't like but you always love them - which is exactly what you said.

Characters in books and role playing with dolls can be so helpful for the "how do you think that makes her feel?" conversations. It is the secret unspoken fears that have the most power over a child - if you can create a situation where they can verbalize a fear then I think you can begin to reassure them.

You are going to be a great mother because you think so much about it.

Oh and the obediance thing, I'd say pick your battles very, very carefully and don't set your standards too high. I think our children in particular often have a very strong need to control. They have experinced such utter lack of control over their world that I think that feeling can stay with them and make them strive to control their enviroment. I guess I'd say I'll be hoping not so much for obediance as good behavior - wish me luck!