Doll

Friend and I were talking about people who made huge changes to our emotional development. I had one of those in High school. For now, I'm going to call him Doll

My high school was fairly normal. I had friends, I had crushes.

One, in particular.

Doll wasn't handsome, but he was a charming person. He reminded me of David Addison of Moonlighting. Everything can be a sexual innuendo. Quick on his feet like nobody's business. Bright.

And Taken. Big time Taken. He is now married to the girl.

I think unrequited love is a must for someone to build empathy. I loved him in that way that only high schoolers can love. I thought the sun rose and set on him. How did he feel about me? He loved me too. In that platonic way that Harry told Sally was impossible. He was my best friend. To the point I even cried on his shoulder because I was so in love with him and he was so taken. He got this grin on his face as he wiped away my tears. He said that for someone who looked like him to be a the apex of some kind of love triangle was more than he could ever dream. He made me feel like it was okay. He made me feel loved.

Because he did love me. He still does. We're still friends. D and Doll have issues. The fact that Doll is a father of two doesn't help.

Doll was always there when I needed him...right up until I married D. When my grandfather died, he held me on his lap and rocked me when I cried. He was strong as hell, and became my protectors from bullies--male and female. He taught me, not only how to fight back--but how to sit back and let the people who love you help you fight too. In college during the short time D and I broke up, I called Doll to cry on his shoulder. When I called back to tell him tht we were back together, he told me he had mixed feelings. He had his car packed and was coming up to "chat" with D.

Three weeks before my wedding I went over to his house to talk. I wanted to ask him sex stuff since I knew he'd tell me, and I assumed that since he'd been going out with his girlfriend for longer than I had with D... he'd talk to me. We chatted, laughed, and when I asked him he looked at me and told me that I was laboring under a misapprehension. They hadn't. I asked him why. He responded..." She said she wanted to wait." That was it. He gave me pointers and we left each other laughing and hugging.

I spoke to him this weekend. It's his birthday and it was good to hear his voice. He talked about his 5 year old daughter--and her first "crush." And we laughed.

When my daughter falls head over heels in love with someone, and he doesn't love her back--I can only hope that she will fall for someone with the emotional maturity of Doll. Understand, Doll knew that I didn't only want a boyfriend--I wanted a best friend. I wanted someone who would push me to be better than I was--even in high school. Because of him, I knew that I could love. Because of him, I was ready to fall when I met my sweet D. By breaking my heart--he helped make my heart more ready.

I wonder if that's what is happening with the IF/Adoption merrygoround.

I don't always believe in "Everything happens for a reason", in fact most of the time I don't and I really want to stick gummy bears on the expensive clothes of those who do. Yet as I start testing again, while being LID since October. I wonder what happens next. I wonder what happens if I get pregnant and then adopt a child after. Because it isn't an either/ or, this is a first and second scenario. (Unless twins are involved and then I will likely defer.)

I wonder what will happen with the tests.

But I wonder if some of the point of all of this shit was to get me emotionally ready to love. And if it is--HELLO, I'M READY!!!

Happy Birthday Doll--if you find my blog, call me. And for all those who had a "Doll" in their life...tell us about them--either here or on your own blog. Who has helped you grow most emotionally?

Comments

[Cynthia Samuels]

So this is really amazing. My husband and I had those rings for wedding rings for the first fifteen years or so of our marriage - just loved them. During the hijacking 80s we used to take them off and put them in our checked bags when we flew to Europe in case the plane was hijacked. Weird, huh?
AND I had a teacher like Doll. JUST like Doll. It's a blessing that lasts a lifetime. Mine also made me a writer and someone with serious ambitions and a bigger heart. He and I wrote the senior show together. OH and I love all the same kids' books, too!
My dear Ms. Journeywoman at some level we must be related. My prayers are MORE than with you -- there WILL be a child in your life. I'm sure of it.

[Nicole]

Aww!