Journeywoman

Thirteen Amazing Musicals

I am a Broadway Baby.

I think there are others out there who are too. So here in no particular order, are lyrics from Thirteen Musicals that have touched my life. Guess at them. I'm looking for the song and the show. If you knew it, tell me--also tell me what favorites of yours I'm missing (The answers will be posted in a few days.)

1) "Betcha he reads, Betcha she sews,
Maybe she's made me a closet of clothes
Maybe they're strict, as straight as a line
Don't really care, as long as they're mine"

2) "I know a place where dreams are born
And time is never planned
It's not on any chart
You must find it with your heart"

3) "May you be like Ruth and like Esther
May you be deserving of praise.
Strengthen them Oh Lord
And keep them from the stranger's ways"

4) "This is my Quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far"

5) "Touch me.
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun"

6) "I look handsome
I look smart
I am a walking work of art"

7) "Floating, Falling
Sweet intoxication
Touch me, Trust me,
Savor each sensation
Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in"

8)"A second flood, a simple famine, plagues of locusts everywhere
Or a catclysmic earthquake, I'd accept with some despair
But no, you sent us Congress!
Good Gd sir, was that fair?"

9) "And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul to see what I had inside
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul and I tried. I tried."

10) "I am, nothing, you are wind and water and song
Jodie, tell me Jodie how I can earn your love.
I would swim oceans
I would move mountains
I would do anything for you"

11)" And I know, it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although, I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him..."

12) "The heart may freeze, or it can burn
the pain will ease, if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss."

13) "Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game"

I realize in two of them the title is in the lyric, but what the heck.

Good luck!

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours

The conversation at work was fascinating.

We were talking about this article on ew.com.

In case you don't want to click, I'll sum up. What books did you read when you were a teenager that you hid from your parents?

Since most of us are in our thirties we all came up with Forever by Judy Blume. Hell I still remember that "the good part" was on page 101!

I remembered Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey. She got me hooked on bodice-rippers from the ripe old age of fourteen. I would wait for my mom to leave and then grab the book.

Another co-worker talked about Jackie Collins' books. He said it was the first time he realized that other people actually had the gay sex he had been dreaming of. Another co-worker responded "Yeah, that's how I felt when I read The Beauty Series by Anne Rice writing as A. N. Roquilaire. Someone said "That's a little TMI", and he responded "Only if you know what the book's about!" On that note we ended the conversation, laughing a little.

So I'm asking what books you read that you KNOW your parents wouldn't have liked.

I have another question for the parents who read my blog, what would/will you do if/when you find your child reading books that you think are 'too adult' for them?

Doll

Friend and I were talking about people who made huge changes to our emotional development. I had one of those in High school. For now, I'm going to call him Doll

My high school was fairly normal. I had friends, I had crushes.

One, in particular.

Doll wasn't handsome, but he was a charming person. He reminded me of David Addison of Moonlighting. Everything can be a sexual innuendo. Quick on his feet like nobody's business. Bright.

And Taken. Big time Taken. He is now married to the girl.

I think unrequited love is a must for someone to build empathy. I loved him in that way that only high schoolers can love. I thought the sun rose and set on him. How did he feel about me? He loved me too. In that platonic way that Harry told Sally was impossible. He was my best friend. To the point I even cried on his shoulder because I was so in love with him and he was so taken. He got this grin on his face as he wiped away my tears. He said that for someone who looked like him to be a the apex of some kind of love triangle was more than he could ever dream. He made me feel like it was okay. He made me feel loved.

Because he did love me. He still does. We're still friends. D and Doll have issues. The fact that Doll is a father of two doesn't help.

Doll was always there when I needed him...right up until I married D. When my grandfather died, he held me on his lap and rocked me when I cried. He was strong as hell, and became my protectors from bullies--male and female. He taught me, not only how to fight back--but how to sit back and let the people who love you help you fight too. In college during the short time D and I broke up, I called Doll to cry on his shoulder. When I called back to tell him tht we were back together, he told me he had mixed feelings. He had his car packed and was coming up to "chat" with D.

Three weeks before my wedding I went over to his house to talk. I wanted to ask him sex stuff since I knew he'd tell me, and I assumed that since he'd been going out with his girlfriend for longer than I had with D... he'd talk to me. We chatted, laughed, and when I asked him he looked at me and told me that I was laboring under a misapprehension. They hadn't. I asked him why. He responded..." She said she wanted to wait." That was it. He gave me pointers and we left each other laughing and hugging.

I spoke to him this weekend. It's his birthday and it was good to hear his voice. He talked about his 5 year old daughter--and her first "crush." And we laughed.

When my daughter falls head over heels in love with someone, and he doesn't love her back--I can only hope that she will fall for someone with the emotional maturity of Doll. Understand, Doll knew that I didn't only want a boyfriend--I wanted a best friend. I wanted someone who would push me to be better than I was--even in high school. Because of him, I knew that I could love. Because of him, I was ready to fall when I met my sweet D. By breaking my heart--he helped make my heart more ready.

I wonder if that's what is happening with the IF/Adoption merrygoround.

I don't always believe in "Everything happens for a reason", in fact most of the time I don't and I really want to stick gummy bears on the expensive clothes of those who do. Yet as I start testing again, while being LID since October. I wonder what happens next. I wonder what happens if I get pregnant and then adopt a child after. Because it isn't an either/ or, this is a first and second scenario. (Unless twins are involved and then I will likely defer.)

I wonder what will happen with the tests.

But I wonder if some of the point of all of this shit was to get me emotionally ready to love. And if it is--HELLO, I'M READY!!!

Happy Birthday Doll--if you find my blog, call me. And for all those who had a "Doll" in their life...tell us about them--either here or on your own blog. Who has helped you grow most emotionally?

How it went

First, I need to brag about my husband. My beloved husband who went and ordered this for me. It came right before the appt. And it didn't fit, but, forseeing such a possiblity he had a chain for it, so I could wear it around my neck. I am not the same person who walked into a fertility clinic in 2003. I am a different person. There could be a different outcome. I love this man...so very much.

Then I went to the new doctor's office.

There were things that I noticed.

1) No baby magazines in the waiting room. None.

2) No pictures of babies. None.

3) When I went to get my exam I noticed that a curtain went up around the exam table. I'm not going to be stuck in the stirrups with my vagina open to the whole world, and me feeling like a porn extra with no date.

We met the Dr. I'll call him Dr. Distant. He's good looking and clinical.

We're going to run some tests. I am not looking forward to these tests, but they have to be done.

I want another IUI cycle. Dr. Distant seems to think that I had 3 of those and no baby carriage so he's not optimistic. He wants to do IVF. I don't. We're working on it. He says that there is no higher risk of cancer for IVF. I don't know that I believe that. I have some tests first. Then I rethink. Or think.

I need to ask my IF blog readers a question. If you got pregnant from the first IVF you did, and had a baby the correct amount of months later I'd like to know. I don't want to know if you know someone. Blog referrals are okay. But I don't know anyone--including bloggers who did it at trial the first.

I have a lot to think about, but now, I'm going to go and hold my husband, who I love.

Ani L'dodi v'dodi li I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

Thirteen things that are making me sad right now

1) I've been starting posts and not finishing them because my heart is too full and my mind is too empty. So I have alot in that hasn't gotten out for a bit.

2) D and I are stepping up for tickets to the IF roller coaster. We go to a new fertility clinic for the first time tomorrow. New Doctor, New Nurses, new everything. Old feelings though.

3) I'm nervous that I might be going through pre-menopause.

4) I'm nervous that there might be something wrong with me that they can't fix.

5) I'm worried there might be something wrong with D

6) I'm wondering why I decided to go back to do this shit in the first place.

7) I think of the little girl in China who, although she can't imagine it now will become my little girl.

8) I think of how I'm looking at a wait of more than 18 months to pick her up and take her to our home where she is already so welcome.

8a) Oh yeah, THAT's why we are going back on this roller coaster.

9) D and I went to a nutritionist. She sat talked to us, and gave us a meal plan that whether or not it makes us live longer, will sure as hell make it SEEM longer.

10) She intimated that if I ate right I might become pregnant sooner. That didn't help three years ago.

11) Work hasn't been as happy as it usually is.

12) I have to have oral surgery this weekend to have a tooth extracted. It's the first tooth I'm losing (not counting wisdom teeth) and I'm sad about that.

13) I feel stagnated right now. Very stagnated and I worry about the ways forward.

I hope others have a better Thursday Thirteen.

Prayer

So we're doing it.

Tomorrow we go to a new RE.

I'm not sure if I really believe in a Gd anymore. But, say for the moment I do.

I have this prayer that I read...I say it now.

As at the Creation of Eve
By Tikva Frymer-Kensky, z"l

When Adam awoke and found the hole in his side,
did he feel violated?
Did he feel that God should have let him be conscious?
Did he want to participate
at least by awareness -
in the creation of Eve?

Did he feel that he was now less than he had been before?
missing a side, a rib
or his dignity?
or was the goal of companion
and the sight of Eve
enough to assuage his longing?

Into the hands of others, I commend my body,
into the minds of others, I deliver my trust.
I remember my love and my desire.
May they consider my being,
may we all bring life.