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April 07, 2007

Comments

OmegaMom

I’m sorry. The wait sucks. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. You must be feeling so upset and frustrated and worried right now. I’m here to listen.

I put this on a post at my blog today...and it is specifically aimed at you and others like you, who are in the wait and seeing it grow and grow and grow. There's just no way to say it's a Good Thing. Because it isn't. You have every right and reason to be feeling sad, down, doubting. And all I can do is send you my sympathy, and pray it doesn't keep going this way.

Debberoo

I am a bit of a weirdo on this stuff because I don't believe in a God, any God but strangely I have a very clear view of what I think he/she would be like if there was one, or is one, I mean I could be wrong about him not existing.

My God, you know the one that doesn't exist, he doesn't punish or reward, he doesn't interfere in the huge inequalities and injustices in life. He doesn't step in and stop the horrors that happen everyday around our world but he is there to help us find ways to do that, he is there to listen, he is there to support you in your grief, your sadness or to help you release your anger and find peace. He is there wanting each and everyone of to have happiness, to do the best we can with whatever we have. He knows there is no rhyme or reason to why some of us have so many riches and privileges while others have so very little and suffer so very much. So my, non existent, God would be whispering in your ear "I know this sucks, I know its hard, I know it feels unfair, I want you to be happy but sometimes you won't be.". My God (that doesn't exist) is a very gentle friend, who just listens and tries to help you work things out for yourself and pick yourself up when life knocks you down. My God doesn't stop things hurting, he doesn't fix things but he is always out there ready to cheer you on, wanting you to find the sunlight again. He's an awfully nice chap, my God that doesn't exist.

Also he has a good sense of humor so at times like this he'd probably remind you worse things happen at sea and you wouldn't be able to smack him - due to him being God and all ;)

L

All I can say is hugs to you sweet sister.

Stephanie V

Eeeeeesh, I hadn't heard that one before, but...scary.

I know exactly where you're coming from, I had my own battles with the Omnipotent. For a really, really long time I thought I was being punished, it was the only thing that made sense. And then for a while I actually convinced myself that it was a sign I wasn't supposed to have children. That messed me up because how terrible of a person was I to be judged not worthy of a child? I was angry, I loathed I stopped praying. We had issues.

The thing is, and I was reminded by a good friend during the darkest days, I was on a path and even though I couldn't see it now, there was a plan. I don't know why but for some reason that seemed to take some of the weight off me. In Buddhism there is a saying "every moment is perfect, every moment is the way it's supposed to be". I'm not saying it really made it any easier - the waiting and all - but I took comfort in those words and eventually I did see the path and the destination and I took my lessons where I thought I was supposed to, even though they were sometimes very difficult.

Pam, you’re on a path too and it’s a difficult one. But you’re not alone and so many of us understand the struggle that you’re having. Sometimes the greatest rewards are those that were fought for.

fully operational battle station

Great post Journeywoman. I learned a couple things and had a good laugh about the hypocritical adoption views even with the Moses history.

I don't have any advice. Sorry. That is heartbreaking news. Hang in there and ignore the crap about "this is the way it's meant to be".

It sounds like you have got your head on straight.

:)

Jamie

starfish

I'm new to your blog, and I really like your persepective on things, not to mention your sense of humor.

Though I'm Catholic, I battled the same thoughts and feelings during infertility and the adoption wait. I guess it's kind of like when your mom or other relative pisses you off - you still love them even though you are really angry at what they did to you. That's why I still observed Lent during that time, and tried to do what I could to keep faith even if it was just little things.

Even though I have been scoffed at by the faithless, I firmly believe that adopted children are chosen by God just as bio kids are. So the wait is a result of all the circumstances that still need to take place to enable YOUR child to unite with YOU. It's a big universe out there, and therefore alot of circumstances for God to manuever. I know my little monkey was worth the wait.

Jenny

I am soo sorry about the 2 days. I saw that and it made me upset for everyone waiting.

I do believe sometimes you need to make your own magic happen though. And I hated the wait and thought it would kill me but I made my girls happen. It was fate and you will make your girl happen. It will happen.

But honestly, no BS to blow at you, the wait sucks. It is ok to be down about it and it does actually make you a little stronger.

thinking of you---Jenny

Reese

Delurking to say that I'm praying for you. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

trixieintransit

Right on sister!

First I belong to a very interfaith and adoption friendly temple. It took years to find one but am so glad I waited. Even our Rabbi has two foreign adoptions under his belt.

Having said that I simply can't abide the whole "this is what you are in for when you adopt from a foreign land" speech. We have been certified foster parents for a while and our state has never referred a child to our home. We qualified for a sibling group of 3 under 12 years of age in any color of the rainbow. However of the 14,000 in care in our state, none have come our way. When we told the agency that we were going international, they dropped us from the foster parent roster and were pretty ugly about the whole thing. It was a joke!

We tried to about foster children from out of state and had our SW circulate our home study to TX, CA, OH, FL, AL, NC, SC, OR, WA, ID and probably a few other states too. Only CA called us back and that placement would ultimately not happen due close family members in CA who wanted the sibling group to stay in-state.

So don't tell me that after more than 3 years of working through the state system, that you don't have to wait if you adopt from the USA.

Also don't tell me that you won't have a long wait domestically either if you pursue infant adoption. We are in our late 30s and considered "less desirable" than younger adoptive families. Because I am Jewish, some agencies would not take our application. Because my husband is Protestant, they considered him "not Christian" which just had me in stitches laughing. So when we finally found two agencies to work with and had sunk in another $8000 in fees just to wait in line, we were surprised two matches. One ultimately failed as the BM decided to parent. The other is pending with a June DOB.

So don't let anyone tell you that crap about domestic being faster or easier. It depends on sooo many factors and the bottomline is that in the US there are more willing parents than infants to adopt. The flip side is that the state system makes it a struggle to adopt if you are willing to take older children.

So going the IA route is TOTALLY REASONABLE. The sad thing about China is that my agency for one never did any statistics even though it placed almost a 1000 children a year. So they stuck to their lies about a 6-8 month wait even though statistics now show that they should have been quoting 10-12+ wait. If we had known about the wait time being 10-12+ months then we would have gone elsewhere. We sure as heck wouldn't be sitting here childless 17+ months later and with a projected 12+ wait remaining. So yes. We do hold our agency accountable. They weren't doing their job well and they weren't giving good advice. But here's where we stand with $10,000 in fees already paid and no child.

So tell me again how the wait would have been shorter if we went domestic? Tell me again how no one could have known about the increasing timeline?

ARGGGGGGGGGGG!

You just do what you need to...to have a family! Be strong. We are all in this together. Trying to make a child's world a little bit better. You will be a mother. But while you are waiting feel free to complain! Be a grump. We still love you!

secret agent

A post I completely relate to.
COMPLETELY.
Your "moses" analogy is brilliant.
Funny living in a world where little magic/miracle is witnessed, many believe so strongly in the judgment and punishment, and blessing from the higher ups. My DH was told he was being punished for marrying me--he life is cursed.. Unable to bear children with me.

Um: If these are the genes a bio kid of ours would be receiving.... I'd say it's more of a blessing to adopt....

Great post...


secret agent

oops "his life is cursed" I meant to say.

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