Journeywoman

Funny, I was awake 11 years ago now too

11 years ago.

12:30 am

I was staring at the clock, knowing that in 5 hours the alarm would go off and I would start getting ready for my wedding.

I didn't sleep at all that night. Yet I really wasn't tired on my wedding day. Funny, the things you remember.

I remember being so flipping innocent. Not just sexually, though I was a virgin, but innocent in all the ways that life could go totally wrong. We would marry, and then D would go to grad school and get his master degree. Then he'd get a lab job. Eventually we'd move to somewhere I'd get a job--but I was going to be a writer...it would be easy! Oh yeah--did I mention the two kids that we'd have in 4 years? Riiiiiiight.

D's funding got cut for his fellowship.
We lived with my parents for 9 long months.
I got a great job with a boss who seriously abused me--think Devil Wears Prada except not Meryl Streep--and children's book publishing instead of glamour.
We went into serious debt--still working our way out.
I finally got a great job, which, even though this week I haven't loved it...I still like it a whole lot.
D has a good teaching job.
And here's the big thing...we're together.

My life hasn't worked out the way I planned it. My life hasn't worked out the way I dreamed it. But here's the thing...I have had quite a lot of luck. There's a man asleep in my bed who would walk the world to fetch me a blade of grass that I said I wanted. He's held me when I cried. He's not the perfect husband...I think that's a huge myth that doesn't exist. But he's perfect for me.

Happy Anniversary beloved.

Thirteen things I learned about marriage

This weekend my sweet D and I will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. It's been a long strange trip, but I'm so glad that I have taken it with him. These are the 13 things I have learned about marriage. 1) Sometimes being the one who says "I'm sorry, I was wrong." first is more important than being right. 2) If you arent' the one doing the chore, you don't get to specify how it is done. 3) The simple phrase "What's for dinner" can lead to a disagreement 4) The reason for #3 is that the answer "Whatever you want" is NEVER really "whatever you want" 5) There is togetherness in simple things--I love it when we sit and read different books together 6) One of the most intimate things we ever did was read aloud to each other 7) You really DO marry each other's family, so treating them with respect is a must. 8) A hug is the best way to end a fight 9) The "In Sickness" part of the vows can sometimes truly suck. 10) You sometimes want your spouse to behave like you would in a given situation, but when that happens it will really freak you out. 11) The dirtier and more involved the sex game--the more likely it is that it will be interrupted by one of your parents 12) D can talk about our sex lives with my sister, but if he does so with my brother it stops being funny. 13) Even though you thought you loved each other when you married--it is nothing compared with the ups and downs of 11 years. I love my husband so, so, very much. Happy anniversary hon.

Running after the wagon

I've had a pretty shitty two weeks diet wise.

I was good. I was REAL good. Then I had the procedure and I didn't want to walk anywhere. And I was nauseous so I didn't take my nightime meds. And I was stupid so I didn't take my daytime meds. And Then I got hoover syndrome (which is what I call it when, right before my period, I want to eat and eat and eat) and I didn't know why. Now I know why. But I'm still not walking as much as I should--okay try at all.

And tonight my dinner was...chocolate chip cookies that I baked.

Yeah. I'm sucking at this diet thing right now.

So I'm going to make a minor pledge. Tomorrow I'm walking at least to work if not to work and back. I'm going to WW, because that's what you do when you fall off the wagon (I might not get weighed though).

I'm going to think about what I want to do and how I want to do it.

And I'm going to look at the things I did right.

1) I'm still keeping HFCS out of my diet.
2) I'm choosing healthier choices.
3) I'm not refilling my Pepsi habit.

So...if I run after the wagon--I'll get excercise right?

Stupid Sunday

When you are married to a teacher there comes a time, several in fact, when you know you will have to get up and go to work the next day and your spouse won't. It isn't a good feeling, and when it is the end of June and you know that July and August are more of the same--well it tends to put one in a foul, foul, mood. Add to that an early summer cold, and you are feeling like shit--and pissed off.

This does not lead to fun. It does however lead to fights. (TMI alert--you have been warned) Add to that the fact that a week after my procedure and a scant two weeks after I last had a provera induced period, I have another period. Yes, a period. I thought it was spotting at first too, but no, I'm in the middle of day 2. Can I have a WTF? (If ANYONE knows or has an idea of what is going on I'd love to hear it!) 2 week cycle? What the hell!!!! Oh yeah--that might have introduced a hormone induced nudge or something.

Guess what D and I did today?

Yep.

Fight, tears and other stuff. We're made up, but it was a lousy one.

They don't tell you in marriage 101 that there are fights where you consider what life would be like if you threw your clothes in a suitcase, threw the suitcase in the car, and just drive as far away from your spouse as land and a tank of gas would allow. We've never had another one like this--and it frightened me. It frightened D a lot too, especially since being an adult adoptee he has all these abandonment issues that come up, especially when we fight.

Odd though, when I thought about leaving, all I could see to was the point where I would turn around and go back. I can't picture my life without D in it. As angry as I was, and as hurt as I was, I knew he was hurting too, and my hand reached out to touch him, and it led to him hugging me as if he knew I was thinking of leaving him. And we talked, and we cried, and we hugged some more. Make-up sex has been postponed until I'm no longer bleeding but it will happen.

My grandmother said that there were only three reasons to leave your spouse.
1) If he/she hit you.
2) If there was another lover
3) If there was an addiction (Gambling, alcohol, etc)

Anything else, grandma said, could be worked out. Since grandma and grandpa were married for 63 or 65 years (long story--depends who you asked) I think they do have something to say about that. Anyway, I always felt like seperation was something that happened to someone else, some other couple. I didn't realize how quickly a fight can turn into THE fight and things get said that can't be taken back--and "I'm sorry" doesn't always cover. We were lucky today, and even luckier that our fight got us to seriously sit down and talk about things that have been bothering us that we've been shoving down. I can hope that we will always be this lucky, but tonight my heart goes out to all the couples who weren't.

Learning how

Had a conversation with a younger friend a few days ago. It's been echoing in my head, since I don't think I gave a good answer and the friend deserved one. Thing is, I didn't have a good answer.

My friend is at a point where the friend is considering making love for the first time. The person is hesitant, for all the normal reasons, fear of the unknown, fear of pregnancy, but the biggest one is just plain not knowing what the fuck (pun definately intended) to do.

I was at a loss of how to advise my friend--besides practice makes perfect. I really didn't know how to respond. D and I learned together...and that's when I thought of you wonderful people out there.

Here are my questions:

1) Besides experience, how did you learn what you know about sex?

2) What do you wish you knew before you had sex the first time?

Anon posting is on...and i'll accept emails too.

Thanks.

Father's Day

Since most IF bloggers are women, it is no surprise that Mothers Day is a huge depressing day for women who are waiting, and have been waiting, and want desperately to become mothers.

But what about Fathers day?

Do we discount our husbands in our quest for a child?

Sometimes, at least for me, the answer is yes. Infertility is the most selfish crisis that we face, and part of that selfishness is the fact that the joy that our marriage and matings bring seeps away in a whirl of "is this the right time."

Also I have to mention how shabbily the IF Dr's treat our men. They focus all the testing on the women. We've all heard the stories of men who didn't get tested until they were depositing the sample for IUI or IVF, and only THEN finding out that they couldn't impregate anyone.

So I was surprised when, after seeing our results from the previous fertility issues that they wanted to test D. D had ben tested in the past, and things were fine--so fine that when I did the IUI they said if it wasn't for his diabetes, they'd speak to him about being a donor. (That felt great, let me tell you *sarcasm*.) But I was even more surprised when the results came up--sub optimal. (They suggested diet changes and some other enviromental changes)

Having it be "both our faults" has had an effect on D, but not what I thought. I thought it would depress him, but all it has done has shoved a cattle prod in a sensitive spot. He's on vitamins, cut caffiene, and has started excercising. Also it's started to hurt him more--or he started to show it more.

This is a hard fathers day. When we started this adoption we thought we'd be parents by now...right now it looks like 2009. We're checking options.

I just wanted to shout out to all the fathers-in-waiting.

Thank you.
Thank you for dealing with our moods.
Thank you for touching us in ways that we still feel womanly.
Thank you for holding us when we cry.
Thank you for being the excuse for us not going to the baby shower.*
Thank you for saying that it is all right.
Thank you for being open to options.
Thank you for handling the embarrassment of your tests.
Thank you for all of it.
And someday soon may we hold each other's hand and say Happy Fathers Day--I wouldn't change a thing.

*Someone tell me we're not the only ones who make up some excuse regarding the hubbies to get us out of things.

Thursday Thirteen--in lieu

I did try.

Today is my father's 80th birthday and I tried to make a list about thirteen of his best qualities, but I just can't do that. He's so much more than that.

I can't show you how he'll take my goddaughter on his lap and ask her for three kisses...then he'll count them off "one, one, one," and she giggles and it's the cutest thing.

I can tell you how he made me learn how to drive in New York city four days after hearing me declare that I never would. He got in the passenger side and would not budge untl I got in and drove us home, but it doesn't explain how much I needed that even though I didn't like my dad so much at that moment.

I can't begin to describe watching him and my mom. They've been married for almost 58 years and his face still lights up when she walks into a room. He'll take her hand and say "love it" so often. If I find half their joy in my own marriage I'll have a blissful life.

I could tell about the times he would correct a restaurant tab when they made an error in his favor. The wait staff are always surprised and he is always surprised that they are surprised. He has taught me it is the worst thing to go to a restaurant and leave knowing that the wait staff made an error and you profited by it.

I could tell about how at 79 he gave his seat to an elderly lady because that's what his mother taught him to do.

I can describe his sense of humor, he loves to pun. We can go for hours punning about cows (udderly ridiculous) until my mother is ready to throw things at us.

I can describe how he has a quick wit. I was born when Dad was 43, so often people would mistake him for my grandfather. It would get him angry. One time a flight attendant asked dad "and what will your granddaughter like," and dad said--grinning his head off--"She's not my granddaughter, but don't tell my wife."

He's getting shorter, he was a giant when I was little with a huge round tummy. He's getting thinner, he's getting older. I'm more care-ful of him than I once was, and it scares me sometimes because I cannot picture a world without my father in it.

I'm his pride and joy. He tells me that, he shows me that. I take him for lunch often, sometimes leaving D and mom home so I can be with my dad.

Because he doesn't always demand respect, everyone around him demands it for him. No one raises their voice to my father...well except when he's acting like an idiot which he doesn't do very often, and then just mom.

Dad's quiet, "I'm disappointed in you." cut quicker than an hour of mom yelling at me.

I'm 36 years old and one of my "safe spaces" is leaning my head on my dad's shoulder.

Is that thirteen? I don't really know, but I do know this. My father is one of the hidden kings of the world, and the world sometimes rests on his shoulders.

If you know your bible, you know that when Gd decided to demolish Sodom and Gomorrah he spoke with Abraham. Abraham asked Gd if Gd would destroy the good along with the wicked. Abraham asked what if there were 50 good people in the towns. Gd said that he/she would not destroy it if there were 50 good people. Abraham then asks, what about 40? And then down to ten. Gd said that the towns would not be destroyed if there were 10 righteous people there.

From that time to this, the fate of the world has rested on the shoulders of 10 righteous people. We know that there are at least 10 righteous people in the world(in hebrew the word is tzaddikim)--and I am honored to say that my father is one of them.

Happy birthday Papa,

I am honored to be the daughter of a righteous man.

The day before

Today has sucked.

Today has sucked big hairy monkey balls.

Work has sucked today because some people I am working with have a critical case of "Not-the-computers-fault-itis. And there are other things, but I try not to talk about work on this blog.

And I havea toothache that I am trying to ignore.

And I have this test tomorrow. Right gob smack in the middle of the day. My mommy is coming out to stay with me and drive me. I don't know what it is about me that my mother becomes mommy when I don't feel good, but it's okay.

Today has sucked. I hope the test shows nothing bad.

Sopranos

Regarding the Sopranos series finale.

WTF?

I wonder how many cable operators got calls.

Doggie treats

I promised the emailer that I would go into detail about the time someone saved my life. I think I should come clean. Because the word someone impiles a person. This somone had four legs.

During my junior year of college I lived in England. I lived with a British family, and their dog. For the first time (and only since my brother and my husband are allergic) I had a dog. Brandy was his name. Brandy was part golden retriever, part beagle, part Gd only knows. He didn't know what to make of me at first, but since I was the only meat-eater in a house full of vegetarians he soon came around. I took over a lot of the doggie chores. Walking him, feeding him, etc.

Anyway one day I had off from school and I was going to parlement, and to see Big Ben. I got up, got dressed, and for some reason Brandy was totally underfoot. I shooed him away, got ready to go. He darted in front of me, raised his hackles and growled. I was stunned. He had never growled at me. I figure he might have to go for a walk so I get his lead and take him out. He does his thing. We get back. I get ready to go again. Now he's circling me as if I was a sheep. He was herding me. I pet him make some noise about how I'll be right back. He darts in front of me and growls again. This time he bared his teeth...he meant business. I sat down on the sofa, he came to sit on me he usually did--all growling forgotten. I get this brilliant idea. I'll pet him for a while he'll fall asleep, I'll be on my way. I pet him for a while, I yawn, he yawns, I fall asleep.

Three hours later when I wake up, I am pissed. It is now too late for me to go and it's all this stupid dog's fault. I'm hungry and I have it in my head that I'm going to make me some bacon (yummm British bacon) and eat it all and not give any to the stupid dog who is now all tail waggy and stuff. I start the bacon, and turn on the TV.

What's this? I notice that parliment is on TV. Seems as an IRA bomb went off in the visitor's quarters...killing 2 and injuring 7. I would have been there. I stare at the dog. Finish cooking the bacon, put it in the freezer to cool off, and then give all of it to Brandy. I then went out and bought him a ton of doggy treats.

I don't claim to have any idea how the dog knew what he knew. All I know is that every so often we have the "maybe I could take allergy shots and you can get yourself a damn dog" discussion. I generally bow out, because I don't think another dog could hold a candle to Brandy.