Foiling the Watchers

One had better not challege the watcher of the established bounds. And yet--it is only by advancing beyond those bounds, provoking the destructive other aspect of the same power, that the individual passes, either alive or in death, into a new zone of experience"--Joseph Campbell

We hear it. All. The. Tiime.

"If Gd meant for you to be pg, he would have made you pg."
"I don't know why you bother with those drugs and stuff, why don't you just accept Gd's will?"

When someone adopts, their choices get beat down too.
"Adopting Internationally? What do you have against Americans?"
"Adopting from Foster Care? Those kids are too damaged."
"How DARE you adopt from a distant country when ther are so many babies who need homes here!"
"What do you mean you're not doing the special needs route? Beggars can't be choosers."

And we, in the IF and Adoption community can beat each other up pretty damn well too.

When our bodies don't work the way others do, it puts them in the position of "watcher". It makes them give the advice, since, obviously, they are the ones who know better. Obviously Gd has smiled on them because they have their children. Sometimes they do this in the way of the watcher. For those of us lucky enough to have them, they do this in the ways of the "enlightened one", (continuing on the Joseph Campbell metaphor) who helps us with things we never thought about. I put a great many of my freinds, and a lot of the bloggers in this group. Even the ones I don't agree with. Maybe especially the ones I don't agree with.

But as we hear these things, everyone wonders "why do they shove their foot in their tonsils?" Why can't they just leave well enough alone?"

I'm going to advance the theory that they feel either jealous or guilty.

Guilt is a destructive emotions. One of the biggest harangues I ever got about my reproductive choices was from a birth mother who had placed her child for adoptions. She still bashes my choices when she's in a bad mood and I'm convenient. Sometimes I go a few rounds with her. Sometimes I'm mature (and unmedicated) enough to realize she's not bashing ME. She's mad at herself because I am challenging the established bounds. I am going forward after hearing the "watchers" concerns, and she went forward a different way.

When we are deep in the infertile cave it is difficult, no, make that damn near impossible to imagine that anyone could be jealous of us. Yet I think our friends with kids envy us our "alone time" , our "quiet", our "freedom". When it shames them, is when they start speaking out of their behinds.

I have lost friends to Infertility. Some will become "people I used to know." Some have come back into my life after dealing with secondary infertility. Some I wonder how I thought they were compassionate enough to be my friends in the first place.

However, the reason I think I lost them, is that they decided to become a "watcher" instead of an advisor. They saw what was happening to me and without offering compassion they offered their assvice. i'm not talking about people who accidentally say something hurtful--that can happen to anyone, including me. But the ones who act as if THEY are the only ones who know the right path. THEY are the establishment, for they were given the gift of a sticky uterus. They are the ones who know better than the doctors, better than my husband, better than anyone else what is right for me. I'm trying to move past them, to forgive them for I must, but move past them...also because I must.

i'm a forgiving person by nature. And I am going back into a different phase of my infertility, and I do not know what will happen then. I hope I will come out of it with a child. But I am the one who is making the choices, not the watchers. I am the one who is using the tragedy of my Infertility to grow.

My friends who used the tragedy of my infertility to help me grow, they are still my friends, my stalwarts, my rocks.

Those who became the watchers...well, let them watch from afar, for I don't think I will ever let them that close to me again.

Comments

[Kami]

That is well said. I know I have been a watcher in the past (hopefully not about infertility!) and now that I have been watched so extensively I try hard to avoid it.

[Mrs Pushy]

Loved your post. The sad part is that the Watchers never sleep. When you finally do reach the goal of parenthood, they will be there, watching, and sooo willing to share their vast Experience and Knowledge of what they know is the Right Way. I wish you all of the good JuJu in the world in your attempt to foil them.

I have a new blog. Just click on my name above. Hope to see you over there.

[Mrs Pushy]

Sorry- I pushed publish before I changed the address. Try again? I hope so.

[lisa]

I cannot express adequately how much I loved this post... it rings so true it brings back the sting of the watchers that once were...