Dear Judaism, I am here.

We think we found a house. 

We're not sure.  I'm brining my parents to look at it and see what they think.  But the kitchen is to die for. 

Anyway.  

I've been looking at where we will live.  I've been learning about the synagogues that are in the area.  I don't know if I will join a shul, and which shul it will be.  I am Jewish. I am Jewish to the core of my being.  But I might speak to Gd at a Unitarian Church.  

I don't know. 

I plan to send letters to the shuls that look...at least welcoming.  I don't know what I will say, but I think I will sound something like this. 

Dear Rabbi of Shul I am considering. 

My name is Journeywoman, and I am looking to move to your area soon.  I'm sending letters like this to the temples in the area because I will be attending shul.  I might even be joining your synagogue.  So I thought I would introduce myself by letter. 

I'm certain there are women like me in your shul.  Women who don't attend the baby namings.  Women who can't watch a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.  Women who are infertile. 

While the Psalm says, "He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children", It hasn't happened yet for me.  After over eight years of prayers, fertility treatments, and adoption plans.  I am still waiting, and I am in pain.  Sometimes I can't even open the door of a shul because I am so Angry at Gd, I can hardly speak.  

Why do I tell you this?  It is not your fault.  I know that.  I suppose I tell you of my struggles to ask you an honest question.  Is there a place for me in your shul?  Is there a place for a woman who doesn't have children to raise in the faith I was raised in to still be a part of those traditions?  Or are the traditions at your temples only for those with children or empty nesters?  This is a serious question.  I'm sure your first response is "Of course."  But is there really?

If I walk into a committee meeting of any kind will the first question I'm asked be about my children?  If all the work goes through and I finally adopt a child will that child be made to feel welcome?  My child will not be white-caucasian.  He or she will likely be Asian.  Will he or she be asked at Hebrew School--by the teacher--what they are doing there?  Will you tell my adopted child that their parents did not fulfill the mitzvah "be fruitful and multiply"  forgetting that he/she has a set of first parents who obviously did?  Will they be made to feel like less than a person by teachers who ask me if I have any real children?  Will everyone ask if I have children "of my own" as if somehow this adoption process made them less mine.  People seem to forget that Moses was adopted.

If I should find community with you and move to join the temple, will my dues include the children which I do not have?   Is every sermon about children?  Every holiday celebration meant only for the children?  I have dressed up for Purim, gone to a Megillah Reading, and have been told that only children and parents do that.   There was again, no place for me.  Odd how when I needed my faith the most, I was shut away from it.  

So, I ask, are there adult oriented activities and groups?  Is there, by any chance an infertility support group?  Is there a way a woman can make a contribution that doesn't involve the children she wants so very much?

I apologize if this is not an easy letter to read, it is not an easy one to write.  I ask only that you are honest with me in a reply.  

Thank you and may Gd inscribe you in the book of a happy life.
Journeywoman

--Anything else I should add?

Comments

[Beeb]

Beautiful letter - well said. I really don't think the religious community understands or really knows how to meet the needs of those of us who aren't the typical traditional family. So now add being single over the age of 40s and just try to find a place...
Best to you in your quest.
And, hope you get the cool kitchen!

[luna]

I think this is so beautifully perfect. what a strong and eloquent yearning for connection and community through faith. I really hope you get some sincere, thoughtful and welcoming responses.

and congrats on finding the house!

(oh, and I might put "real" children in quotes to drive home the point even further.)

[T.S.]

While I understand how hard it must be to deal with what you've dealt with, both in your faith and with IF, I think you should take an edit to this letter once you have some distance from writing it. It seems a bit confrontational to be sending to a new shul, especially in retaliation for the way you've been treated elsewhere, and it might put them off to you before they've had the chance to meet you and learn how amazing you are.

I also wonder if a letter is the best way to approach this. I wonder if, instead, taking a trip to each shul and speaking to someone in charge about what they offer for someone of your circumstances (rather than what they lack) might go over better with the shul and will also give you a better sense of the people there, as you'll be able to see their reactions, not just read a reply that they've had time to manufacture.

[Julie]

Very powerful letter. I don't know how I'd feel if I were on the receiving end of that letter (and I'm a fellow IF'r).

I can tell you that we found, for us, the best way to understand the makeup of a shul is go to it.

I've been to synagogues that were whiter than white. My son got some glances that made me uncomfortable so it's not an option.

I've been to synagogues that are like Jacob's coat of many colors :) Asian children, Black children, Latino children, White children (and parents as well!). The glances my son got were the glances of "oh, what a beautiful baby" not "what is a brown baby doing here".

Many families built through adoption meant many who had dealt with infertility (while it's not always a given, it's more common than not). I don't know if they have a support group there but I'm sure if I offered to start one there would be people willing to join.

I guess what I'm saying is maybe just going and seeing vs. a confrontational letter may be your best plan of attack.

Whatever you decide, good luck in your move and I wish you Shalom.

[artsweet]

I read all the time, but don't get to comment much these days.

This is a powerful and eye-opening letter. The only thing that I might change would be to say something in the first paragraph like, I have had enough difficult experiences at other shuls that I wanted to write and see whether you felt like there might be a welcoming place for me at your shul.

I also think, even though your primary concern is how you & D. will be received without children, that there is more to you than just infertility, and it might be good to mention a few of the other things you look for in a shul - celebrating diversity, doing tikkun olam etc. etc.

[PinkDevora]

Great letter. I feel incredibly left out a lot of the time, and because of that will even avoid going to shul on specific holidays, just because I am so miserable.

When my husband and I were thinking of moving over the past couple of years (not going anywhere right now), we always brought up the topic. We found two communities where there were already internationally adopted children, which was wonderful!

Good luck.