Journeywoman: Viddui Thursday Thirteen

Friday night is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews around the world don't eat, drink and spend the day in temple. One of the prayers said in temple is the Viddui or Confessional. We say it aloud surrounded by people since they are saying the same things. They begin, For the sin which we have commmitted against you [oh Lord]...etc. A few years ago, the Rabbi at my temple asked the kids in the Sunday School to come up with what they were sorry for. Some of it was truly amazing. "For the sin I committed against you by punching my sister--but she really deserved it."

For this week's Thursday Thirteen, I am going over Thirteen ways that I did not do well this past year...hoping to be better this year.

May all who read this have a happy and healthy new year.

For the sin which I have committed against you by taking for granted the gift of a good husband

I take my D for granted way too often. I have a husband who does the laundry, the dishes, and is a gentle loving man.

For the sin which I have committed against you by pettiness.

A few days ago someone parked really close to my car. I had to smoosh myself to get in. When I closed the door I was glad to see that some of the paint from my door was on the SUV. I regret that feeling now. I should be better than that. I should be working to make myself better than that and I will try to.

For the sin which I have committed against you by taking too much offense when none was meant

Being an infertile woman it is so difficult not to see comments as digs. And let's be frank, some of them are. But some of them aren't and I don't have to face the world as though they are going to attack me.

For the sin which I have committed against you by not giving enough to tzedakah (charity)

I talk about it so often. I want to join Habitat for Humanity. I want to start helping people again, but then I get so involved in my life. This year will be the year that I find some way to help. Maybe formally, maybe not. I'm sure I can find acts of kindness that I can peform and this year I vow to do so.

For the sin which I have committed against you by eating too much

I don't plan to lose weight, but I want to eat healthier. I think that's what I need to work on this year.

For the sin which I have committed against you by harboring grudges.

Sometimes, people let me down. Sometimes I feel that I am doing more for people than they are doing for me. This isn't a relay race. There isn't a set point where I stop doing for those whom I love. One of my husband's best qualities is that once someone says they are sorry--that's it, fight's done--as far as he is concerned. It is time to take a piece of that.

For the sin which I have committed against you by not being available for friends.

I have bad days. Days that Winston Churchill called "Black Dog" days. I get out of them, but I think if I concentrated on others who need me I would get out of them faster. I vow to do so next year.

For the sin which I have committed against you by not taking time for me

On the heels of being too selfish, there are days I'm not selfish enough. Days I know I need time for myself. I owe it to myself to take time for me and be the best me that I can be.

For the sin which I have committed against you by not creating enough

I am a writer. I write stories and I should write more often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. In the past month I have been writing more (that's why I'm not blogging as much). I will finish my novel before the end of 2010. Or I will have tried REALLY hard to do so. I have been told that talent is a gift from Gd, what I do with it is my gift to Gd. A dear friend told me that there are times she wants to slug me for wasting my gift. I've been listening to her for most of my life, I will write more.

For the sin which I have committed against you by replacing face-to-face with Facebook

I Love Facebook. It has put me in touch with people I have missed and didn't realize how much I missed them. That being said it is too easy to write a Happy Birthday on someone's Facebook wall and not call them and tell them how glad I am they are around for one more year. This year I vow to see the people I've re-met over this wonderful bit of social networking and show them how much I Like them.

For the sin which I have committed against you by taking my parents for granted

I love my parents. I am so so lucky to have them. Yes, my mom can drive me up a tree, but she's a really admirable person. My father is one of my dearest friends. I'm so so lucky to have the relationship with my parents that I do. I'm so lucky to have them. I will try not to forget it.

For the sin which I have committed against you by wishing my adoption to go faster

My child's birth mother has no face. I think of her with pity, I think of her with anger. But on the days I say I want my child home tomorrow, I forget that for her to be home tomorrow, a woman who I will never meet will give birth to her and give her up. I should not be forgetting that, nor forgetting that she is a woman like me. She deserves my respect and my undying gratitude. And I ask that Gd look after her and grant her peace.

For the sin which I have committed against you by not doing good.

I'm an editor--I know what I mean when I say not doing good. I don't mean not doing well, I mean not doing good. There is no reason for me to curse out that driver who just cut me off. There is no reason to hurry towards my train when there is someone on crutches who is trying to get up the stairs to the subway. I should be taking time out to help them--and sometimes I do, but too often I don't. I should be volunteering or mentoring or doing something to be the change I wish to see. And this year I will try to do more.

Thank you for reading this very personal Thursday Thirteen. May we all be inscribed in the book of happy life.

**Yes, this is from a post I did in 2007, and some are the same, and some are not. It is a process and I'm a woman on the journey---a Journeywoman.