Journeywoman

Human Being

We've spent the last few weekends running around like chicken--sans heads. 

This weekend I planned nothing.  I thought about having some nice house hunting today, but none of the open houses really made me say hmmmm, looks good. 

We just did nothing.  Yesterday I read the 4th J. R. Ward book.  Just sat, read.  

Enjoyed just being. 

We're supposed to be human beings.  Not human doings.  This weekend I remembered. 

Afraid to go to sleep

Last night I wrote for a while and went to bed at 12:30. When I went to bed I fixed a bunch of stuff and then got undressed and snuggled next to my sweetie--for all of five seconds.

His back was wet.

That means insulin reaction. I shook him awake, and he was bleary. I handed him his testing supplies and had OJ ready because I knew, knew that he was going to be scary low. He was. 32. (Normal is 100.) 1/3 of a carton of OJ and 4 glucose tablets later he went up. To 33. I gave him bread with jam, Cocoa Pebbles, an apple and he still was only 46.

It was a long night. And while this bit was nowhere near as bad as this I still am worried about climbing into bed with my husband. What if he has a reaction and I don't wake up. What if HE doesn't wake up.

I'm tired as hell here and yet I'm worried as hell too.

Must go sleep.

In Sickness and ....

Well, coughing, snoring, hacking.

Yeah, D's got it. That thing that's going around. He prides himself on his "immune system" and every time he says something like that I actually HEAR Gd laugh.

It hurts me to watch him cough like that.

I have a crock pot full of chicken soup and I even made matzo-balls. He hasn't had much else to eat. Hasn't been hungry and his blood sugar has been high.

As for me I have a mild sore throat--I just hope it doesn't turn into this thing. Or if it does turn into this thing it go ahead and does so I can be sick and have done with it.

I kept watch over him today. And he kept me company watching Katherine Hepburn day on TCM. We watched (for the first time) The Lion In Winter. I can't wait to watch it again. WOW. Just wow. Then I watched Pat and Mike and then The Rainmaker.

It was an okay day.

Tomorrow though, I'm leaving to get some alone time...as long as he can be left alone.

I hope he feels better soon.

Taking ourself back

"Here is an image for you. The cup is a symbol of the Goddess, of women. It contains everything but it isn't controlled by what it contains. Rather, it gives its contents form and shape. Reality...if you want to call it that. ... That's your cup. That's you. What do you want to contain?... What do you want to make real?"
...
"How about some fucking self respect?"
"Take. Drink. This is self respect. This is the beginning of the end of fear. This is yourself, whom you now take back."
--Gael Baudino Gossamer Axe

I haven't written in a bit.

Mainly because I haven't gotten out of bed for a bit.

No, I'm not sick. In fact, I'm feeling fine. Feeling wonderful. A bit sore, a bit tired, but when my co-workers asked about my weekend I grinned from ear to ear.

You see, this weekend, we took ourself back.

The first casualty of infertility is sex. Sounds crazy but it is true. Your sex life is not the same. It is regimented, it is "Do we have to?" instead of "Do I want to?"

But this weekend, we have taken ourself back. Our passion has known no bounds. I don't know what has gotten into us this weekend but we beat our record of # of times in a 48 hour period--set shortly after our honeymoon!

We tried new positions. We made love under the Christmas tree (and nearly broke an ornament too!). I arrived home from shopping, I gave my husband a kiss. 20 minutes later our clothes are everywhere, and we're breathing heavy and looking at each other like "how did that happen?"

I know exactly where I am in my cycle. I know we didn't make a kid from it--and it didn't matter! All I wanted was him. All he wanted was me.

Returning to the quote above--I was the chalice. D, well, filled me--and we both drank deep of the passion that has made us want to create a child in the first place. I don't know where we go from here. But we have drunk. We have taken the first step. This is self respect. This is the beginning of the end of fear. This is D and Journeywoman...who we now take back.

UGH

So, D has to go to where his parents live because he is part of a diabetic testing program. He goes around November every year. Then he and his parents will drive down to NY Thanksgiving morning early.

He flew.

Bad bad bad. Flight was supposed to leave at 8. According to the website it is just now (12:40) taxiing to the runway.

And then, the words that make any spouse of a diabetic go cold.

"I've lost my insulin...all my supplies."

Can we say FUCK? I knew we could.

It isn't as bad as it could be. When he goes to the tests tomorrow he'll get a shitload of supplies. Usually enough to last him a year as far as syringes go. But still FUCK.

And now he's on the plane. And I have to go to bed. And I miss him, and I'm going out to my parents tomorrow and he'll be here on Thursday.

Oh, and my brother's friend is coming by to say hi to my parents. And guess what...my brother's friend is a father to a lovely cute little 3 year old. Yeah. This is going to be fun. At least my mom had the sense to say NO when my brother asked if they could spend Thanksgiving dinner with us.

Sigh.

I hope other people have better thanksgivings than I'm going to have.

Blog for Diabetes Day

I don't have a diabetes blog. This blog is much more about IF than diabetes.

Yet, diabetes has wrapped itself into the fabric of my life because the man I love is a Type 1 diabetic.

Everything revolves around his blood sugar. What I cook, if I cook. Who drives.

The shots were easier for me because I had someone there telling me that yes they hurt but sometimes they hurt less. I had someone who understood.

I worry that I might bury him before he sees our children grow up--if we ever manage to have them.

So yes, diabetes is a part of my life and I respect and love the people who make it easier for my sweet D.

The power of The Music Of The Night

Today was a good day.

I took the advice of all who said to obey my father and I have taken this weekend for me and D. Today we went into the city to celebrate the 18th anniversary of us starting to date.

We decided to go on the TKTS line and see Phantom of the Opera.

Now we've seen it before. A Lot.

It was my 14th time and D's 10th time seeing it. Live.

It was wonderful. The Christine wasn't so good, but the Carlotta more than made up for it. It was wonderful. And sitting in the audience listening to Music of the Night was just something so wonderful and beautiful...I never get tired of it. Never.

Then we went to to the Union Square Cafe for dinner. I don't have enough superlatives. It is my favorite restaurant in NYC and one of my favorites anywhere. It is the "GREAT" place when we want to spend a lot for a fantastic meal. Tonight's meal was no exception. Taste explosions happened. Wonderous taste explosions. And D and I had what I hope to be our last glass of wine.

Tomorrow bloodwork and ultrasound--again. And more worry and stuff.

But Today was wonderful and I needed it.

The Doctors Granger

So, For our Harry Potter Fun, last week, D and I went to our local bookstore dressed as Hermione's Parents. We had White Lab Coats and packs upon packs of sugarless gum which we gave out. We had HELLO MY NAME IS stickers that proclaimed we were Dr. Edward Granger and Dr. Anna Granger. JK Rowling has never given them first names so we made them up. Edward we figured was a good solid English name, and a lot people named after the royal family. Anna we chose because J.K. Rowling said that she fashioned Hermione after herself and her mother's name was Ann.

We had a great time.

The store wasn't a big behemouth BNN or Borders, and they knew it so they closed the block they were on and put up tents. There was a magician who was pretty good. There was a chocolate fountain with pretzel "wands" that the kids could dip in. Popcorn and Every Flavor Beans were everywhere.

One kid looked at our costume and declared us "Hilariously Stupid!" When we asked if she wanted a pack of gum she said sure. We won the "adult" costume for originality.

It was fun.

What I think I enjoyed most was knowing that these people were all excited because of a Book. With the current administration looking down on learning, I think it is wonderful that we can all be so enthralled by the stories we read.

Funny, I was awake 11 years ago now too

11 years ago.

12:30 am

I was staring at the clock, knowing that in 5 hours the alarm would go off and I would start getting ready for my wedding.

I didn't sleep at all that night. Yet I really wasn't tired on my wedding day. Funny, the things you remember.

I remember being so flipping innocent. Not just sexually, though I was a virgin, but innocent in all the ways that life could go totally wrong. We would marry, and then D would go to grad school and get his master degree. Then he'd get a lab job. Eventually we'd move to somewhere I'd get a job--but I was going to be a writer...it would be easy! Oh yeah--did I mention the two kids that we'd have in 4 years? Riiiiiiight.

D's funding got cut for his fellowship.
We lived with my parents for 9 long months.
I got a great job with a boss who seriously abused me--think Devil Wears Prada except not Meryl Streep--and children's book publishing instead of glamour.
We went into serious debt--still working our way out.
I finally got a great job, which, even though this week I haven't loved it...I still like it a whole lot.
D has a good teaching job.
And here's the big thing...we're together.

My life hasn't worked out the way I planned it. My life hasn't worked out the way I dreamed it. But here's the thing...I have had quite a lot of luck. There's a man asleep in my bed who would walk the world to fetch me a blade of grass that I said I wanted. He's held me when I cried. He's not the perfect husband...I think that's a huge myth that doesn't exist. But he's perfect for me.

Happy Anniversary beloved.

How it went

First, I need to brag about my husband. My beloved husband who went and ordered this for me. It came right before the appt. And it didn't fit, but, forseeing such a possiblity he had a chain for it, so I could wear it around my neck. I am not the same person who walked into a fertility clinic in 2003. I am a different person. There could be a different outcome. I love this man...so very much.

Then I went to the new doctor's office.

There were things that I noticed.

1) No baby magazines in the waiting room. None.

2) No pictures of babies. None.

3) When I went to get my exam I noticed that a curtain went up around the exam table. I'm not going to be stuck in the stirrups with my vagina open to the whole world, and me feeling like a porn extra with no date.

We met the Dr. I'll call him Dr. Distant. He's good looking and clinical.

We're going to run some tests. I am not looking forward to these tests, but they have to be done.

I want another IUI cycle. Dr. Distant seems to think that I had 3 of those and no baby carriage so he's not optimistic. He wants to do IVF. I don't. We're working on it. He says that there is no higher risk of cancer for IVF. I don't know that I believe that. I have some tests first. Then I rethink. Or think.

I need to ask my IF blog readers a question. If you got pregnant from the first IVF you did, and had a baby the correct amount of months later I'd like to know. I don't want to know if you know someone. Blog referrals are okay. But I don't know anyone--including bloggers who did it at trial the first.

I have a lot to think about, but now, I'm going to go and hold my husband, who I love.

Ani L'dodi v'dodi li I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.